Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
I close my eyes, and that video plays out in my head, the expression on Caleb's face when Joe shot him, the way his body jerked when the bullet went through his skull. My fists clench, and I bite down on my bottom lip. I don't look over, I grab Tor's hand and pull her to my side. I'm numb as I watch the first shovel full of dirt rain down on top of the metal casket, followed by the next. It seems so wrong to place him in the ground like this, but we have no other choice.
A pitiful sob breaks from Tor and her fingers dig into my arms, her body trembling. I want to block out the sound of the dirt hitting the casket, but I can't. I hang my head and I fucking cry. No man can manage this feeling, even the hardest of men have their breaking points, and this is mine. I rest my chin on the top of Tor's head, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.
I'm done. There is no point in fighting. My father chased Joe until he died. My goal in life has been to murder that son-of-a-bitch, and all it's done is cost me every last thing I care for. Joe Campbell is death and destruction, and I am no longer willing to take that gamble. I give up. I will let him win. This is fucking over. Haunt my dreams all he wants, I won't let him take another fucking thing from me.
I'm hollow, like everything inside of me has been ripped out. Caleb is gone. His body buried beneath six feet of soil. They say a funeral gives you closure, I don't feel closure. All I feel is this earth shattering pain, and it seems like it will never go away. My very soul grieves Caleb's loss. I rub at the spot over my chest where my annihilated heart sits.
Jude is nowhere to be found, and for that I'm grateful. He watches me as though I may lose it at any minute. He tries to talk to me, but I can't speak to him. Caleb was the person I talked to. He would listen to me, empathise with me. Caleb was good and right. He upheld morals in a world where they no longer exist.
I get up from my place on the sofa and move through the room full of men. The usually loud, smoke-filled house is disturbingly quiet as a cloud of grief settles over it. Everyone loved Caleb. I can't take it anymore. I just need to be alone. No one pays any attention to me as I leave the room. I open the front door and quietly close it behind me, walking down the porch steps and onto the grass. The dewy blades brush against my bare feet as I walk around the back of the house towards the woods. The headstones seem so somber, shadowed in the darkness of the oak tree.
I trace my fingers over the smooth marble of Caleb's headstone, and my throat tightens.
"Hey, Caleb," I whisper. It's stupid, but I feel close to him here, as though his presence somehow still lingers. I don't believe in God really. I don't believe in heaven and hell. I've never thought about it much. For Caleb's sake though, I hope heaven is real. I hope he is eternally happy and loved. I want that for him, more than anything in this world.
I lay down on the grass beside his grave and stare up at the stars scattered throughout the clear night sky. "I miss you." I release a shuddering breath. "So much."
I swipe at the stray tear tracking down my temple, but it's pointless as more follow. "I can't do this without you," I whisper. A soft breeze rustles the leaves above us. I roll over and press my palm into the freshly laid grass. "I don't want to." I squeeze my eyes shut, my chest heaving. It should have been me who died. I wanted it to be. I still do. Joe stripped me and left me with nothing, he broke me in ways no human being should ever have to be broken, and then he took Caleb from me. I would endure it all again, every single depraved act if it would bring Caleb back.
"I'm not strong enough for this, Caleb!" I cry. I turn my face into the grass as my tears stain the ground. "I just want it to end." I can't see past this, I can't envision a time when I will ever be okay again. I can't see a future. There was a time when I wanted to be a doctor, to get married and have kids. Now though... My hand subconsciously moves to my flat stomach. "I can't be a mother. I can't be anything," I whisper. I can't have this baby. "Jude will understand," I tell myself, or Caleb. I don't know who I'm telling anymore.