Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 142818 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 142818 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
“I know,” I ran my hands through my hair, annoyed. Again, not at her. At myself. For not telling her that I’d already made that choice. For wrapping myself in secrets so that I didn’t know where my lies began.
I pulled in a deep breath, looking at my mother. “I want this baby.” The rest was complicated, terrifyingly so, but that was the one easy truth.
Her eyes brimmed with tears. “How long has this been going on?”
I tugged at my lip. Suddenly my mother was not mad or making plans. She was simply hurt. Hurt that the daughter she thought told her everything had been keeping something so big from her.
“Pretty much since I arrived in Garnett.” I hated that the truth would hurt her so much, but I was unable to tell another life.
Her eyes spread wide in shock, and she didn’t speak for a couple of moments as she digested this information. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounded hurt and tired.
“What would you have said if I had told you?” I asked her cautiously.
“I would’ve told you he was too old for you, too dangerous for you, and I probably would’ve tried to forbid you from seeing him.”
I nodded.
“He is too old for you,” she said firmly.
“Is he, Mom? Because all the boys you would’ve deemed appropriate for me chug booze, play video games and date rape girls.”
My mother’s hand flew to her throat.
“I don’t have to explain to you what’s different about these men because you know that already,” I continued. “You’ve been wanting me to talk about Dad for the longest time, so now I will.” I shifted my way, pulling in a deep breath. “He fucked me up. First, before I knew anything, just by being him. By making me feel like I had to be perfect, that I wasn’t worthy of his love if I didn’t act a certain way. He crafted me into someone who both craved validation and attention from an older man while making it so I only got that if I wasn’t my authentic self.”
My eyes filled with tears. I’d never said any of this out loud before. I’d never even really thought any of it. But it was being forced upon me. It had been bubbling up inside of me for so long, there was simply no more room to store it.
“When I found out what my father truly was, I had to face the fact that not only was I seeking validation from a monster, but my mother had lived through hell for almost the entirety of my life,” I hiccupped. “I’m not exactly well adjusted from that, Mom. I’m fucked-up. I’m going to be fucked-up for life. Not all in a bad way, though.”
I tried to smile at her reassuringly since the blood had drained from her face from everything I’d said thus far. It didn’t really work.
I swatted away my tears. “Every single person connected to this club is fucked-up,” I said softly. “Has horrific pasts. Yet they smile. Throw parties. They accept people despite their damage. Elden accepts me. He makes me feel safe. I don’t have to be anyone different to earn his love. He gives it to me. He would never lay a hand on me. He would go to the ends of the earth to protect me. Yet I still don’t think I deserve him.”
Tears were streaming down my face.
“Because Daddy fucked me up,” I choked out. “And I can’t stand the thought of you only loving me if I make the right choices and love the right person.”
My mother was crying now too. “Oh, my little girl,” she whispered, pulling me into her arms.
“I love you for exactly who you are,” she murmured against my hair. “And who you are is wonderful.”
I leaned against her, sinking into her embrace. We didn’t speak for a long time, but she gently pulled me back to arm’s length, wiping my tears from my face.
“My love for you is unconditional,” she stated firmly. “It does not matter what choice you make, ever. Nothing will ever change that.” Her voice shook a little that time. “I understand better than anyone that loving these men isn’t exactly a choice. And as much as I hate it, I know that what your father did cannot be reversed.” Her eyes hardened. “I will forever carry it with me,” she whispered. “What he did to you. How he made you feel that you weren’t worthy.” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. “It’s a shock, you and Elden,” she said once she opened her eyes. “But I understand it. I saw the way he looked at you. I can’t believe it’s the first time I’ve seen it. But, honey, he would move mountains for you. He will protect you and love you in a way that you’re worthy of.”