Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 136743 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136743 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Am I ready?
As we check in, go through the metal detectors, get our hands black-light stamped, my stomach roils. My last visit with him traumatized me in ways I have only revisited in the safety of a therapy session. Edward did not see me as an equal. He did not appreciate the years of labor and counseling and love that I gave freely to our relationship, to this life I was stupid enough to think we were building together. I was merely unpaid labor to him, and he treated me like shitty tissue paper. Flushed me for someone he hadn’t gotten to use yet.
“It’s a lot of people,” Lottie whispers, reaching for my hand.
“Yeah, we don’t get, like… a private place to talk?” Inez asks, glancing around the visiting room, where several other prisoners are receiving their families.
“I told you it would be a communal visiting room,” I remind them. “Your father only gets a private room with the lawyer.”
“Dad!” Lupe gasps, her eyes going wide.
Edward stands at the door with a group of inmates, all similarly garbed in khaki pants and button-up shirts to match. He swings his head around when Lupe calls him. His face lights up at the sight of the girls. Even though he didn’t want his daughters to come here, he looks happy to see them, immediately stretching his arms out for a hug. Inez and Lottie run to him, flinging themselves into his arms. I hate this bastard, but seeing his brows knit with emotion, the flush crawling over his cheeks, and the dampness on his lashes elicits a tiny twitch of pity.
Lupe hangs back, still standing with me, but staring intently at her sisters and her father.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, brushing a hand over her head.
She looks at me, and even though she has Edward’s eyes, I see myself in her. I see the deep concern she has for me warring with the love she still holds for her father, despite what he’s done.
“You sure you’re okay, Mom?” Tears fray the ends of her words, and she blinks with wet lashes.
“I’m fine,” I reply, keeping my voice level despite the emotion her concern causes to well up inside me. “Baby, go see your dad.”
My permission seems to uncork the last of her reservations, and in a few steps she adds herself to the group hug still going on with her sisters and my ex. Edward glances up from the cluster of black and red heads to catch my eye.
“Thank you,” he mouths.
I don’t respond, only give him back a hard stare to let him know I’m not playing with his trifling ass. Me he can no longer hurt. These girls… he’s already damaged them in ways I may not even know yet, in ways the family therapist may have missed. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s put them through.
“Let’s sit down,” he says, pointing to a small cluster of chairs in the corner of the room. There are only three seats available. He takes one and pulls Lottie onto his knee while Lupe and Inez take the other two.
“We can share, Mom,” Inez offers, scooting her slim frame over to make room for me.
“I’m fine here,” I tell her, softening the stiffness of my tone with a smile and leaning against the wall.
For the next twenty minutes, Lottie regales Edward with stories of her meets and medals. Inez talks nonstop about Animal Crossing and school, and after a few watchful moments, Lupe starts opening up and talks about her grades, the debate team, and finally Lindee and Cora.
“Mom and I are growing our hair out to donate,” she tells him, flags of pink in her cheeks. “Isn’t that cool?”
“That’s amazing, honey,” Edward says, glancing at her braided hair. “How long is it now?”
With a huge smile and deft fingers she unravels her braid, freeing the thick, bright strands around her shoulders and down her back. She gets that red hair from my father, and when I see it, I thank the recessive gene that defied all odds to gift this tiny piece of my dad to me through her.
Edward eyes the spill of hair down to her waist, and something shifts in his expression. A sadness I don’t understand at first.
“You’ve grown up so much, baby girl,” he tells Lupe, then glances to Inez and Lottie. “You all have. It’s only been a year, but I already feel like I’ve missed a lot.”
“When are you coming home?” Inez asks, then shoots a repentant look at me. “I mean getting out. When do you get out?”
“It’ll be over before you know it,” he replies. “And I can get back to my life. Back to you.”
“Why did you do it?” Inez asks, her tone injured.
In the difficult silence following Inez’s question, Edward seeks me out where I stand apart. And I realize that, like so many times in the past, he’s waiting for me to speak. For me to fix. For me to clean up a mess he’s made.