Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 92466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 370(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 370(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
“So, after you told Nicole you were going to be a father…what happened?”
“She didn’t want to see me for a while. I went back to L.A., feeling as horrible as you might imagine. When she was finally willing to talk to me again, we had a couple of long conversations where the conclusion was basically what I already knew—that she couldn’t handle it, and it was better if we went our separate ways—for good this time.” I felt my eyes water. Fuck. “And if you thought things couldn’t get worse after that, you’d be wrong.”
Her brows drew together. “What happened?”
“Months later, I found out Nicole had reconnected with a guy we’d both been friends with years before. Julian had grown up in our town in New Jersey but had moved to the city for work. That sent me spiraling—acting out on tour, sleeping with women. I hadn’t been with anyone sexually since Giselle, until I found out Nicole was dating Julian. It felt like my life was over and I’d lost her forever. But then I had a new baby, and I had to find a way to focus on that, despite still being a mess.”
She nodded and wrote a few things down. “Tell me about when Christian was born.”
“When Giselle went into labor, I flew to New York. It was hard being close to Nicole geographically yet feeling worlds away. I wasn’t in the room when he was born. I didn’t want to be. But they called me in after he arrived, and the moment I held him, I fell in love. It was the first time in months that I’d felt like I had a reason to live. I was still heartbroken and messed up, but he gave me a little bit of strength back.”
“And you and Giselle…did anything ever happen there?”
I shook my head. “Not at all. She’s a nice person, but I never had feelings for her like that.”
“How old is Christian now?”
“He’s two. He still lives with his mother in New York. She’s engaged to a great guy now, David. We all get along and do our best to make this work. I go back to the city whenever I can to visit my son. Obviously with my schedule, whenever I can is not really enough. But I’m pretty much bicoastal when I’m not traveling or recording. I have an apartment not far from where he lives.”
She just looked at me for a few seconds. “I can’t believe I never knew you’re a father.”
“While my son is a blessing, I still have a lot of trauma about everything I lost in the process.”
“Nicole, you mean…”
“She is everything, yeah.”
“When was the last time you saw her?”
“That’s the thing… One of the reasons I called you for this session is because she and I reconnected—yet again—when she came out here for Tristan’s wedding a couple of weeks ago. That was the first time I’d seen her since we left each other in New Jersey. Without getting into too much detail…one thing led to another.”
Her eyes widened. “Really?”
“It was the first time we’d taken things that far, and before she left L.A., she said she wanted to meet Christian. That’s a huge step for her.”
“I should say. And a huge step for you. When do you think she’ll meet him?”
“Well, I’m stuck out here recording for a while. So, hopefully when I’m able to get back to New York, if she hasn’t changed her mind.”
“You must be ecstatic.” She smiled. “That she’s open to it.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Just the opposite. Because now that she’s facing everything head on, she might decide she really can’t handle it. And then what?”
CHAPTER 29
NICOLE
Atticus had told me Christian had a sitter on Tuesdays and Thursdays who took him to a small playground around the corner from Giselle’s house in Queens. He said they went religiously, even in the middle of winter. It was the only way Christian could get out all of his energy. According to him, they usually went around three PM, after Christian woke up from his nap.
It had been almost three months now since the wedding in California. Atticus and I had talked a lot over the phone, and he kept suggesting that when I was ready, I could go to that park and see his son without having to meet Giselle, if I preferred, as a way to ease myself into the situation. Meeting Giselle right away definitely wasn’t something I wanted, but thus far I hadn’t been brave enough to visit the playground, either.
I wasn’t sure what possessed me to choose this particular Tuesday in the middle of January. But I’d been at the salon when I suddenly felt the urge to get it over with—as if that’s a possibility when it comes to meeting a little human who’s also the thing I fear most in this world.