Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
I was losing him all over again. As much as it hurt, deep down I knew what I wanted wasn’t fair. I wanted him to go back to a life he didn’t remember. I had absolutely no doubt that I loved JJ—all of him—with my entire being, but I couldn’t expect him to look in the abyss of his past and see something, feel something that wasn’t there.
“Let me go, Cass,” JJ choked out.
“Never, JJ,” I whispered in his ear even as I released him. “Never,” I said simply because I needed him to know that even if we couldn’t be what we’d once been, I would never let him go. He would always be a part of me even if I couldn’t be that for him.
He slipped from my hold and moved past me. I was relieved when I heard his footsteps above my head. He was going to the bedroom, not leaving the cabin. He was safe.
JJ was safe.
That was all that mattered.
I’d keep him safe while I searched for the person or people who’d tried to take him from me, then I’d do what I should have done all along. I’d do what JJ needed me to do so he could move forward with his life.
I’d let him go.
CHAPTER 18
Jj
He let me go.
A part of me still couldn’t believe it. Even though it was exactly what I’d asked him to do, I still couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe how badly it hurt. Something inside of me was being ripped apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
It had taken Boone several hours to come and get me after I’d called him with the satellite phone. I’d fully expected a confrontation with Cass when Boone had pulled up in his car, but there’d been no sign of him.
He’d vowed to never let me go and yet he hadn’t been there when I’d left. Selfish prick that I was, I’d wanted him to try one more time to ask me to stay because I’d known that I wouldn’t have been able to deny him. I would have spent the rest of my days trying to be the JJ he’d so fiercely cared for prior to the shooting.
I would have failed. I knew that and still, I’d been willing to put Cass through even more pain just so I could have him for a little longer. Had I always been someone who’d only ever been concerned with his own life and had overlooked everyone else’s? If so, why hadn’t anyone ever called me out on it?
God, that bullet really had fucked up my brain. Or maybe I’d been fucked up in the head before the shooting. I didn’t know anymore.
I didn’t know anything anymore. It was like every time I tried to make a decision about something, a wall went up inside my brain and I couldn’t see over it.
Even now, long after Boone had dropped me off, I was desperately trying to pretend that I was okay.
I was so far past okay that I couldn’t even see the line I’d have to cross just to be semi-normal. My entire body hurt. I felt heavy and light at the same time. My chest was so tight that every breath was painful. I wanted to throw up whatever was causing all the knotting and cramping in my stomach, but I’d already done that, and it hadn’t changed anything. Tears burned my eyes but refused to fall.
Two days earlier when I’d felt like this, I’d hightailed it to Tank’s. The emotions that had sent me there were a drop in the bucket compared to the pain currently locked inside of me.
I hadn’t even considered going to Tank’s after Boone had picked me up. The idea of letting some man touch me, let alone fuck me, made bile crawl up my throat.
I’d been sitting in the same motel room on the edge of the bed’s sagging mattress for most of the night and well into the morning hours. The fire that had been simmering beneath the scar on my scalp had been burning ever since I’d told Cass he had to let me go.
When Boone had arrived at the cabin, I’d fully expected some kind of confrontation with Cass as I’d descended the stairs from the little bedroom where I’d had another first with him earlier that day. I hadn’t realized it until after I’d left the cabin, but Cass was the first man I’d slept in a bed with. He was the first man whose arms I’d ever woken up in.
There’d been no confrontation. There’d been no Cass. When I’d reached the front door, the key that was necessary to turn the bolt had already been inserted into the lock.
Cass’s message couldn’t have been any clearer than that. Still, as I’d walked to Boone’s idling car, I’d intentionally dragged my feet in the hopes of hearing my name being called or a strong hand grabbing me from behind to stop me.