Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
“Yes, JJ,” I admitted. “For about five seconds after I walked out of that place, I wanted you to hurt like I hurt. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why you never came to see me. I wanted to know why you weren’t at my trial. I wanted… I wanted you to know that I died that night too. I had no idea that you… that you…”
“Didn’t remember,” JJ softly supplied.
I managed a nod. “Sully told me about it after that day on the canyon road. The day I kissed you for the second time.”
JJ looked lost as he stared at the ugly lime green carpet beneath our feet. “Why couldn’t you just let me keep living the lie, Cass? I knew who I was there. I knew what I was. All those men… they knew what I was. I didn’t hurt in that place.”
“All you did was hurt in that place,” I countered. I slowly made my way to him. He didn’t step back, and he didn’t raise the gun. He didn’t even flinch when I removed the weapon from his hand.
“See, Cass, that’s the truth. Right there,” JJ whispered.
I shook my head in confusion.
“You want to believe that I’m still whatever version of myself I used to be. Your JJ didn’t drink all night, every night. Your JJ didn’t let random guys fuck him. Your JJ didn’t get on his hands and knees in a shitty alley so whoever wanted a piece of him could have it. Your JJ wouldn’t have pretended that everything was okay… that he was okay.” His voice cracked on the last word.
I reached my free hand out, but he stepped back.
“Your JJ did die that night, Cass. Now this version of JJ—this incredibly fucked up, selfish, ugly version, has to live with knowing he will never be what you want him to be, what you need him to be. He… I can’t be someone I don’t remember. I deserve this,” he said as he motioned to the empty room. “I know that. I know I deserve every second of what’s happened and so much more. I know I have to find a way to live with the knowledge that you spent two years in that fucking hellhole because of me. I deserve that. I did that. Me. This version of JJ,” he continued, placing his hand over his heart.
I shook my head because none of it was true. I needed him to know that. I needed him to understand. “JJ—”
He caught me off guard when he stepped forward and captured my mouth with his. The kiss was slow and deep.
Desperate.
JJ’s hands framed my cheeks as his tongue slid against mine. I quickly caught up and kissed him back.
“You said you missed me. This morning in the shower. Do you remember, Cass?” His words were dotted with soft kisses that filled me with fear.
JJ wasn’t kissing me because he knew deep down that we’d be okay.
He was kissing me because he knew we wouldn’t.
I shook my head but with JJ’s hands holding my face, my denial was muted at best. His mouth captured mine again, but it still wasn’t the kind of kiss I wanted… needed. It wasn’t the kiss that promised me a future with him.
“JJ, don’t do this,” I breathed against his mouth. I kissed him hard. The need for oxygen was the only thing that allowed him to end the kiss.
“Who was I this morning? Who did you miss this morning?” he pressed.
“You—”
JJ was the one to shake his head this time. I could feel my heart being ripped apart bit by bit.
This was supposed to be okay.
This was all supposed to have been okay.
We’d been punished enough.
We’d suffered enough.
We’d lost enough.
“He was lucky,” JJ said with a sad smile. His cheeks were damp, and his voice was so rough it was hard to hear him. “Your JJ. He was so lucky to have had you for as long as he did, Cass.”
I’d called him that the night before. I’d called him “my” JJ.
“No,” I ground out when JJ tried to step back. I kissed him with everything I was. All my passion, love, hate, rage… I put it all into the kiss.
Our last kiss.
“No,” I whispered against his lips.
“Shhhh,” JJ returned. “Close your eyes, Cass.”
“No,” I responded, though it came out sounding like the plea it was rather than the demand I wanted it to be.
“Close your eyes, Cass. Please. For me.”
I felt like I’d swallowed a mouthful of cotton. I couldn’t deny him. As much as it fucking hurt, I couldn’t deny him.
I closed my eyes.
“You have to let me go, Cass,” JJ pleaded as his arms went around my neck. I pulled him against my body and held him for as long as I could.
It wasn’t long enough.