Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Nightmares.
Waking up with a racing heart.
Cold sweats.
And then I see Colten. I imagine him looking at his daughter with her short hair. I see all his fears come to fruition. And … I start to hate myself even more.
“Josie?”
I shake my head, coming back to the present. “What?”
“I asked when we’re doing this. I’d like to go to prison before my wife gets home, so that she thinks I just left her.”
“You’re not going to prison. And I need you to record me.”
“I’m not recording this. No way.”
I shake my head. “Not you suffocating me. I need to tell myself a few things in case this works.”
“I’m not following.”
I pat my pockets. “I don’t have a phone. I destroyed it. We’ll use your phone.”
“We’ll use an old video recorder that used to belong to my parents.”
I frown. “Fine.”
An hour later, Felix has the video recorder dug out of his attic, and I’m perched on the borrowed hospital bed recording a message for my post-suffocated self.
“Hi, Josephine. If you’re watching this, then you’re alive. Give Felix a huge hug.”
Felix rolls his eyes while recording me.
“I hope you’re okay. I’m recording this because I don’t know what you’ll remember. If my plan works, you won’t remember why you had to die and be brought back to life. You had a near-death experience months ago. You remembered a previous life. And you might see news articles about you and claims about that previous life. Here’s all you need to know. You were having terrible visions and nightmares. You lost your job. You couldn’t sleep. Your life was miserable to the point that you didn’t want to be in this life most days. You were going to marry Colten, but you didn’t trust yourself. He has a daughter, and you never wanted to put him in a position to choose between being with you or being with her. I hope what I’m saying sounds unreal to you. I hope you can hear me but not feel it. I hope you’re detached from that life. That was the purpose.”
I think about what else I want to tell future me. I’ve got nothing. The chances of a future me is really slim. I nod to Felix to stop the video.
“If I’m in a coma, end it.”
“You could be in a coma for a few days, maybe a week or two.”
I nod. “Two weeks, not a day longer. You have a life. Your debt will more than be paid.”
Deep worry lines cut across his forehead. I think they’re nearly permanent by now. I know I’m asking something so much bigger than what I did for him. But I’m desperate.
“When?” he asks.
“After dinner.”
His Adam’s apple bobs before he nods.
“Let’s eat.”
Another nod.
We order food from my favorite restaurant. Dessert too. As he pours himself a glass of wine, I give him a look.
“I need your mind clear to save me,” I say.
He laughs, pouring the wine to the very top of the glass. “I need to relax so I can go through with this. If I can’t suffocate you, I can’t resuscitate you.”
I chew a bite of food before wiping my mouth. “I bet that’s a phrase you’ve never said before now.”
Felix frowns just before taking a long swig of his wine.
“You’ll be good at this. Winston Jeffries used to drink heavily before poisoning the girls. I remembered that a few weeks ago. Never told anyone. But now I know why I’ve had no desire to drink. He was so messed-up. Everything’s come in pieces to me. A puzzle. A heinous puzzle. Eventually, I stopped sharing the pieces with Colten because I saw it in his eyes. The doubt. I know it pained him to have those moments, but I didn’t miss the subtle flinches, the extended looks when I interacted with his daughter. We got so good at pretending everything would be fine if we just kept …”
“Pretending?”
I nod.
“Winston was abused by his mom. Always being compared to his sister. And I think his mom got so mad at him one time, she tried to drown him in the tub. She shaved his head because he didn’t comb his hair. I never see her in the vision, but I feel his fear. One day I feel his anger, his wrath toward the girls, and the next day I feel his despair. Every inadequacy. Every inclination to end his own life.”
I poke at the food on my plate, but I’ve lost my appetite. “That would have been the better choice. It would have saved so many lives.” I glance up at Felix. “I’ve started to think that about myself. I often wonder if there’s a switch that could flip, and I’d be more him than me. What if I go from imagining self-harm to harming someone else? An animal that needs to be put down.”