Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
It’s the perfect diversion.
His gaze shifts about, his expression stiff.
His lips curl into a smile as he recognizes the song. The light returns to his eyes, the ease, and he starts swaying to the music.
“It’s my song,” he says as he sings to the song, knowing every word without fail.
So interesting the way the mind works. The things he remembers perfectly that seem so trivial, but the important things that elude him sometimes.
“Yeah. It’s all good, Randy. All good. Let’s just dance.”
We dance the way we might have when he first started taking me out to clubs, and as the song comes to an end, I tell him we can dance some more if we go back to his room. Jackson and the nurse accompany us back, and I dance with him some more before he’s given some medicine to calm him down. Once he’s settled, Jackson and I head out to grab him a snack. As we reach the vending machine in the cafeteria, I get out a dollar bill and start straightening it to get it in the slot.
“You okay?” He rubs the back of my neck. “That was a close call,” Jackson says.
“Right? We keep having more and more of those. In the beginning, it was just him forgetting what he ordered at a restaurant or why I was taking him somewhere. Grandpa had Alzheimer’s, so we saw the signs…even Randy did. I encouraged him to see a doctor, and they evaluated him and determined it was early-onset. For a while, we could manage. He’d make little notes for himself, reminders in case he’d forget to do something. He was lucky that he could take meds in the beginning. Most people, they can’t until later, but he was part of a study to see the effects of long-term usage. It gave him a little help, for a while, until he started going downhill. He had a partner. A guy he was with for…well, a very long time, before I even came into his life. His name was Tim, and he couldn’t handle it, so he left. That’s when Randy came up with Cypress Grove as a solution. I didn’t want to bring him here, but he insisted. He said he didn’t want to burden anyone. And he convinced me that it was for the best. I guess it is since at least I can still work to pay for this.”
I can see his expression shifting to concern.
“Don’t worry. For the most part, we’ve been able to afford it with what he saved for retirement, with just a little help from me. He’s lucky…well, with that, at least.”
“I know what that’s like,” Jackson says. “Having to be responsible for other people. Feeling that weight. The pressure that comes with it.”
I know he’s talking about Steph and Zane.
“You can say that again. The money definitely isn’t the hardest part. It’s like I’m always walking on eggshells around him. I’ve read so many books and articles about this—talked to so many counselors—so I can make his life easier. There are all these rules. Never argue…never reason…never shame.…Never, never, never. I’m just amazed none of them say never lose your own goddamn mind. Because sometimes it just feels like it’s too much.”
God, I’m going to start crying again.
“You’re doing a good thing being here with him. Not everyone would step up to the plate. He’s lucky to have you.”
“Someone has to take care of him, and his friend Jen and I are pretty much the only ones left in his life. It’s just tricky watching him fade away more and more every day, knowing that one day, it’s all going to be over. It’s funny; some days he’s lucid and clear-minded. Some days, rare days, he remembers Tim is gone. So fucking crazy how the mind works. The doctors say certain random things can trigger the memories, bring them back, if only for a brief period of time. I had this idea in my head that it would be this steady loss of memories until there was nothing, but sometimes it seems like what he remembers is so random. And I mean, I know it’s random, but it’s just…it’s so fucking strange to know some of those memories are still in his head, and he doesn’t have access to them. And I know one day I’ll be one of those memories.”
I turn away from him again because I can feel my eyes watering.
“Hey, hey,” he says, grabbing my chin and pulling me back toward him, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to make today the shittiest date ever.”
“It’s actually a pretty great date, Derek. And it was wonderful getting to meet Randy.”
And he doesn’t know—can’t know—how much him saying that means to me.
25
Jackson
I run my fingers up and down Derek’s spine as he sleeps on top of me. Sometimes when I breathe, his hair tickles my face, but every time I try to move, he burrows closer to me. Damn stubborn man. Even in his sleep, he likes to get his way.