Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 72853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 364(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 72853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 364(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
I wind up for another push, but he makes a sudden sound that stops me dead. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds choked and pained, and it tears at me like my chest is made of ancient fabric that can just be ripped in half because it’s so tattered and fragile.
Instead of clutching the chains, I sweep my arms around his shoulders and lean in like I did on the stairs. I hug him. Hard. He’s not fast enough to get an arm up to stop me. He could pull away, but he lets me. I think it’s because I’ve shocked him in a way that no amount of violence ever could. I breathe in the scent of his hair, and this time, I’m not as frazzled as I was after nearly losing him. This time, I can appreciate how he smells like coffee beans and fresh air and himself, which is dark, earthy, and spicy.
My lady bits stand up and start doing the wiggly, waggling, happy dance of joy that those tube man things do in front of sales tents and car dealerships.
Yes, they do a real happy dance for a man I thought wasn’t the least bit attractive when I first saw him.
I thought he was hard and muscular before, but now his body goes rigid, and I can feel the tensing strain in every bit of him that I have my arms around. “You shouldn’t do that, Aspen.”
“Why not? Everyone should be hugged. You’ve had a total lack of love and warmth in your life, and you need it just as much as anyone else. I might not be your first choice, but in Jace’s letter, we were both asked to look after each other. This marriage might not be real, but the letter is.”
He tenses up even more. “I’m…I don’t know how to explain it to you.”
“You can try.” Goodness, he smells so freaking good, and my nose is having a total nosegasm being so close to him.
“I was a soldier. Soldiers do things. I’m not clean anymore,” he mutters.
I sigh. “Jesus, Rick, I know what you’ve done.”
“No, you don’t know. You’re never going to know. No one is. We don’t talk about it.”
“If it’s PTSD, you have money. You can get help. I’m sure there are people you can talk to, even if you can’t really talk about much of anything. It’s the aftershocks that you’re having a hard time dealing with, and you can’t be alone in that.”
“It’s not PTSD,” he grunts, letting out a huff. “Maybe a little. But that’s not what I’m talking about.”
I let him go because he asked me to, even if it was for the wrong reasons. I’m not here to force something on someone if it makes them uncomfortable. I walk around to the front of the swing. He’s so still on it. He looks up at me as I look down at him. I really want him to see that I’m utterly sincere in this.
“I think someone needs to tell you that you’re great, Rick. You’re not dirty, and you’re not a monster. I never thought of my brother that way, and I knew he’d done things. Probably some of the same things you’ve done.” I crouch down and set my hand on his knee. He jerks back, the swing chains rattling loudly. “Okay.” I put both my hands up where he can see them. “Okay, Rick. I won’t touch you. But seriously, you can’t like osmosis this shit off on me through touch.”
He jerks upright and walks away. I chase after him, feeling very much like an annoying little kid tailing after someone who wants to be left alone. Does he? I don’t think he truly does. Not in the sore spot in his heart that is probably larger than he’d like to admit.
“Rick,” I call out.
He doesn’t turn. He circles past the swings and heads toward the playground equipment. He walks past the monkey bars, the slide, the rope and net contraption for climbing, and a set of plastic tunnels that connects one piece of equipment to another high above the ground.
“Rick!” I call out louder.
“What?” He spins around, his eyes blazing. He’s a little bit scary but a whole lot magnificent, and right now is probably not the best time for my knees to go weak.
It’s not the best time at all for my body to realize it’s very much attracted to this man.
There’s no good time for that.
“You’ve spent a long time being told your body is a weapon, but it’s not. You’re not this thing that causes destruction. It was just your job. It wasn’t you. It’s not who you are anymore. You can let it go now. If you’ve done things that bother you this much, then you absolutely need to talk to someone. It’s not healthy to keep it all locked away. You need to be able to put all that emotion into words and then get it out. And you need to sleep. Staying awake is probably making your brain squirrely.”