Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 88536 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 443(@200wpm)___ 354(@250wpm)___ 295(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88536 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 443(@200wpm)___ 354(@250wpm)___ 295(@300wpm)
So why do I want to go after her right now before she’s even gone? Why does a part of me want to turn around and find exactly where she went and follow her there?
Fuck.
“She deserves someone better than me.” And it goes unsaid the reasons why I can’t follow her. Because if I do, it’ll mean admitting that I’ve found someone else to love. It’s not the thought of rejection that hurts the most but the idea of being unfaithful and misguidedly straying from my marital vows to Hayley.
“I’m just going to shower here and then be out of your hair,” I say, making my way to their bathroom.
“Don’t you have your own shower?” Anya calls out after me, but I hear River cooing at her to give me a break, just this once.
Because River is the only one who knows the ghosts that keep my feet dragging.
This is best for both Alina and me. So why do I feel like I’m breaking into pieces and missing out on something really important?
CHAPTER 51
Alina
I’ve been back in London for two weeks, and it feels so nice to be back in my quaint, little apartment. It’s so different from the rowdiness of New York, though a small part of me misses the others, especially Honey and Rya.
I successfully acquired the contract in Manchester but don’t start for another couple of weeks, so decided to use this time to figure out the perfect location for my shop. All my money was reimbursed, and I find myself sitting on a massive nest egg. However, it has done nothing to put me in a decisive mood about what to do with this… pregnancy.
I’ve been a sophisticated mess, continuing the day-to-day of my life until I’m back home alone. Some days, I think maybe I should keep the baby. I mean, I’m not getting any younger, but I’m terrified at the thought of doing it on my own. I always thought I’d have a husband if I were to decide to take this step. It terrifies me to think I’ll be the same as my mom. I love her, and she did so many incredible things for me growing up, but I remember picking up the pieces.
There’s always the option of… not having the baby. But I don’t like that either. I’m terrified of both options. I don’t particularly know what to do for the first time in a long time. Honey suggested I speak to Will about it, but I don’t want to make matters worse. I think we should leave things where they ended. And besides, he’s not able to move on from his past, so how could I possibly ask him to consider this journey or future? It’s better if he doesn’t know. This is for me to deal with alone.
I haven’t seen or heard from Will since the night we spent in the hospital. I know I pushed for it, and I still can’t wholly whip my head around the notion that I’d been his original target. But I’ve been lying to myself that he isn’t the person I miss the most. And that makes me all the more foolish for falling for his charm.
In a less fucked up world, I don’t know what I might’ve done had he pursued me. Even when sitting in my apartment alone with a cup of tea, my mind drifts to him, and I’m embarrassed by the fact that I let him in. I hate him. But I want him. And it’s not fair. Especially when I’m doing everything I can to put what happened between us in the past.
When I caught up with Maria last week, she asked questions about New York. She’d heard about the assault and fire, which made headlines in certain magazines, but past that, she never asked about what transpired between me and Will. For that, I was grateful. I hadn’t brought up the pregnancy either. Honey is the only person who knows, and because I’m eight weeks along, I feel like I have to make a decision soon. But it’s strange to know there’s something growing inside of me. I have all the means to support a child, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to do it on my own. Ultimately, no matter how independent I’ve always thought I am, it turns out I’m still a coward at heart.
A knock sounds on my apartment door, and I stand up expectantly. I stayed in touch with Steven, and when I mentioned I was looking for a storefront in London, he let me know he’d done some work here previously and knew a few real estate agents who could help me.
Apparently, he also has a cousin here he was due to visit, but I don’t know how true that is or if he was just trying to sound less eager to help me. The last thing on my mind right now is dating.