Total pages in book: 98
Estimated words: 95421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 382(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 382(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Bailey stopped writing in her journal. “I’m pretty sure the saying is dogs don’t shit where they eat, not sleep.”
I looked around. “There’s shit in here?”
She laughed. “No. Moose doesn’t poop in here either. He only comes in if it’s raining when Mom lets him out.”
I pointed to her notebook. “What are you writing about today?”
“Just my thoughts.”
“About what?”
“What it’s going to feel like to die.”
Heat rushed through me. “Shut up. Don’t say that.”
“Why?” She shrugged. “It’s going to happen, Dawson.”
“Obviously. I mean, we all die. But you’re saying it like it’s gonna happen next week.”
“Maybe not next week. But I’m not going to live to be old like you most likely will.”
Two weeks ago, Bailey had gotten her regular scans she did four times a year. They’d showed new tumors on her liver. She’d barely finished chemo on the ones she already had on her lungs.
I swallowed and changed the subject. “What do you want for your birthday next week? My mom’s been bugging me to find out.”
She tapped her pen against her lip. “Hmm… You know what I’d really like?”
“What?”
“You to write me a letter.”
My face wrinkled up. “About what?”
“Your feelings, what else?”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to write my feelings down and give them to you to read? So you can use it to what? Poke fun? No freaking way.”
Bailey smiled. “What if I promise I won’t read it?”
“Then why the hell would I write it?”
“Because it’s cathartic, dummy.”
“I think I’ll pass. What else do you want?”
“Nothing. That’s the only thing I want.”
“Come on. There’s gotta be something else. How about a charm or something? All the girls wear those bracelets with the charms that slip on.”
She lifted her wrist, showing me the friendship bracelet I’d made her two years ago. “This is the only one I need.”
I still wore the one she’d made me every day, too. Even if mine did say asshole. “What about a new bicycle helmet?”
“After your ball-crushing incident? No thanks. I think I’m done with my bike.” She paused and looked me in the eyes. “I really want you to write me a letter. I think you need to learn how to express your feelings.”
I didn’t say it, but I’d recently gotten to feel up Allie Papadopoulos, and that was all the feelings I wanted to express. Though it was impossible for me to say no to Bailey, and she knew it. “Why are you such a pain in my ass?”
She smirked. “Does that mean you’ll do it?”
I wagged a finger at her. “If you open it, I’m never going to speak to you again.”
She made an X across her chest with her finger. “I cross my heart, I won’t.”
“Fine.” I groaned. “But I’m pretty sure you’re the one who should be wearing my bracelet.”
Chapter 29
* * *
DAWSON
The following morning, a nightmare jolted me awake at 3 AM in a cold sweat. I looked over at the beautiful lady sleeping peacefully next to me and felt like shit for having a dream about another woman. Technically, the dream didn’t feature a woman. But I knew what it meant. I’d had the same recurring dream dozens of times. Though it had been years since I’d last had it before tonight. I never remembered the beginning or saw how it ended. I only saw myself standing alone in white space, and a voice from above asks what I’ve done in life to repent for my sins. When I can’t come up with anything, a trap door opens, and I start falling. I wake up grabbing the mattress so I don’t fall off.
My heart was still racing after a few deep breaths. I knew I wouldn’t fall back asleep like this, so I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Naomi. The last thing I needed was for her to know my old nightmare had come back. She already thought I needed to see a shrink. In the kitchen, I downed a glass of water to cool off and opened the window to listen to the sounds of the city that never sleeps until my heartbeat returned to normal. On my way back to the bedroom, I couldn’t help myself. I stopped at the framed photo of Bailey and me.
Maybe Naomi was right, and I should talk to someone. Though I couldn’t see how that would help. No amount of therapy would ever change what happened. I’d be better off trying to invest my time in being a better person. Maybe then I’d at least have an answer for the voice in my dream, and he wouldn’t drop-kick me into hell.
I stared down at the photo for a long time before setting it on the shelf and sneaking back to bed. Naomi had turned over, her back to me now, and I was tempted to lift the T-shirt she had on and wake her up with my head between her legs to get my mind where it belonged. But even I wasn’t a big enough asshole to use a woman to help me forget memories of someone else. Instead, I did something I never do. I stared up at the ceiling and made a silent plea to the big guy above. He’d started the conversation tonight anyway.