Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
It’s okay to let yourself be loved.
I know they let you down, but not everyone will.
I’m sure you have friends who won’t let you down either.
“Don’t let yourself have regrets. You deserve better than that, and you’re stronger than that. Bring backup if you need to. What about your friend Cody?”
It’s then that a pair of blue eyes pop into my head—shy but sexy and confident when he’s not thinking too much. An infectious smile, and those throaty noises he makes, and the way he looks at me like I’m king of the whole goddamned world.
It’s not Cody that I’m thinking of right now…it’s Gary.
Oh fuck.
“What’s the smile for?” Malcolm asks, and I realize it’s not the first time someone has asked me that question when I’m thinking about Gary. Because somehow, I know he’s the backup I want in my corner. That he’s the person who would make the night bearable.
“I gotta go.” I push to my feet.
“Huh?” Malcolm asks.
I don’t know…Jesus, I don’t fucking know, but my head and gut are in knots and…“I need to apologize to someone.” Because if I don’t, Gary will be a regret, and the thought of him being that feels like something is eating through my heart.
“Right now?” Malcolm asks.
“Yes, right now. Sorry… I…tell Martin I’ll call him later.” My footsteps are heavy as I make my way through the pub. Gary’s office is only a few blocks away, so I head directly for it. It’s as if I’m suddenly possessed by some kind of something I don’t understand. I feel like I’m always thinking that when it comes to him because I realize now that Gary makes me feel things no one has made me feel before.
I head into his building, and I must look like a man on a mission because people move out of my way as I go. I put my phone to my ear as I pace the lobby, waiting for him to answer his cell.
“Hello?” he says tentatively, and it’s like a knife to the chest. He sounds the way he did when we first started talking.…He sounds like he does when he speaks to Peter, and there’s no one to blame but myself.
“I’m in your lobby. Can you come down? Or can I come up?” There’s a neediness to my voice that I can’t deny.
“Yeah…sure. Come up. Fifth floor. I’ll meet you by the elevator.”
It feels like it takes an eternity for the elevator to reach his floor. When the doors open, Gary’s standing there, his head cocked and so many damn questions in his eyes.
He leads me to his office, and the second the door is closed I say, “I’m sorry,” only to have the same two words spoken by him at the same time.
“What are you sorry for?” I ask him.
“For not voicing how important what you told me is. For letting my own insecurities and feelings block out the pain you were feeling.”
I close my eyes and shake my head before opening them again. “You’re such a fucking knucklehead. Of course, you would take the blame on yourself.” And let’s for a moment forget the fact that I just called him a knucklehead. What the fuck is wrong with me? “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I shouldn’t have taken my family shit out on you. You’re…fuck.” I run a hand through my hair and walk away from him, stopping when I reach the window. “Somehow you became my safe place where I can admit things I don’t usually admit, which makes me take my frustrations out on you because…”
“Because you trust me?”
I shove my hands deep into my pockets. “I want to. I want to so fucking much.”
That maybe is the most real thing I can say to him. It’s not any kind of promise—those are mostly empty anyway—but it’s the desire to want to do better…to be better.
“I don’t…” his words trail off, and I turn to look at him. “I don’t know how to do this—whatever this is. One minute you’re talking to me about me going home with someone else or saying you don’t feel the same, but then you say shit like that. I’m trying, Trav. Trying so fucking hard to keep the line intact because I don’t want to lose your friendship, but you make it so difficult. I don’t understand how you can say things like that but then not give a shit.”
“No one said I don’t give a shit. I’m here. This is a big fucking deal for me to be here like this. I just…I don’t want to lose you either.” I take a step closer to him…then another. “My thoughts are all over the damn place. I think about you all the time, even over stupid shit. I’m trying. No one has made me want to try before you.”