Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
“Nothing. It’s not a good idea. I’m allowed to change my mind. Where the fuck are my pants?” he says again as though I didn’t already tell him where they are. “You’re still my friend. I’d like to keep spending time with you—working out or whatever, and I won’t go back on what I said. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you with Steven. I just can’t have sex with you anymore. That’s all. There are plenty of men out there who can’t wait to get into your bed. You won’t miss me.”
But the truth is, I will miss him. I haven’t thought about fucking anyone else in weeks. He’s been everything I need.
“I’m going to go, okay? We’ll…we’ll talk soon.” Gary walks past me.
I don’t know how far he makes it. My back is to him when words I don’t plan on saying push past my lips. “Did I do something wrong?” My voice comes out soft, a whisper, but not as soft as his when I hear him quietly curse behind me.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
I turn around. He’s in the doorway, facing the hall, when I ask, “Then what is it?”
Gary sighs. I imagine he has his eyes closed. “I want more.” His words echo through me as blood rushes through my ears. I want more.…I want more.…I want more….
Why in the fuck would he want more with me? He knows that’s not what I’m about. Plus, Gary deserves a whole hell of a lot better than me. I’m not sure I’m much better than Peter.
“Nothing to say about that, huh?” He turns to face me. “I didn’t plan for it to happen. You’re not who I expected. You’re kind and funny and protective. You make me feel things I didn’t expect to feel, and that’s not what you want. You can’t give me what I need. I didn’t want to need it, but I do. So, it’s better if I stop pretending I’m the guy who can sleep with you and talk to you and then not care if you fuck someone else. I’m already trying to manage enough lies in my life as it is.”
“Is that what this is about? Me fucking other people? Jesus, I told you I wouldn’t screw anyone. I spend all my fucking time with you.”
“Maybe not now, but eventually you will. You have that right. Can you honestly say you can give me something more?” he asks. He knows I can’t. I hear it in the finality of his voice.
It’s not him. I can’t let myself trust anyone completely. I don’t know how.
“That’s what I thought. It’s okay. It was my fault for thinking I could do this. I’ve kinda always known it had to end like this. I’m not the kind of guy who could hook you.”
“Fuck that!” I say louder than I mean to. “Jesus Christ, Gary. Don’t do that shit. I swear I want to kick your ass every time you put yourself down like that. This is my shit. This is who I am. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
He gets a small grin on his face, and I’m wondering what he has to smile about right now. “You’re so much more honorable than you think.”
I roll my eyes because now I know he’s full of shit. I am who I am, and I’m okay with that. “So, we’re really doing this, huh? We’re explosive together. We’re really going to shut that down?”
He looks at me sadly. “I have to. We’re just coded differently.”
I close my eyes and blow out a deep breath. Jesus, why the fuck does this hurt so goddamned much? Why does it feel like he’s twisting a knife in my back? Because it feels like he’s walking away…like he’s telling me I’m not good enough the same way my parents did.
I open my eyes and say, “I’m going to miss that super ass of yours.”
“It’s going to miss you too. And we’re still friends, right? I know we weren’t before but—”
“We are now,” I cut him off. “And we still will be. I’m definitely not going to stop dragging your ass to the gym with me, or making Petey jealous. He’s so fucking jealous. You know that, right?”
Gary rolls his eyes as though he doesn’t believe me. “I’m going to go, okay? Call me if you hear anything from Steven.”
I nod at him, but don’t reply. He pauses for a second. When I don’t say anything else, he walks out of the room. I hear him in the hallway, putting his pants on, his footsteps walking away, and finally the front door closes. After walking over to my bed, I sit on the edge, elbows on my knees and head in my hands.
This doesn’t feel pretend. It feels like I’ve been broken up with, like I lost someone I care about, and I’m not sure what to do about it.