Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 104165 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104165 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
I storm from the room, intending to go take a shower. Instead, I just stomp to my office in the other wing of the house so I can watch the video feed of Anna’s room. I’ve got the whole house wired for security purposes and thank fuck I do. She does nothing but stare at the wall for hours, barely swallowing when Professor Roberts feeds her dinner.
I hurry over to her room, sure she’ll eat from my hand if I try to feed her, but she stops eating all together when I enter. I finally shower and sleep, but only in fits and starts.
The first thing I do the next morning is go see Anna.
Professor Roberts stops me in the hallway outside her room. “I was just coming to get you. She’s having a good morning. She’s lucid.”
My chest leaps with hope and I push past her. Before I open the door, I hear her sweet voice, responding to something Dr. Ezra asked.
“—and then it was like—”
Oh thank god! I push the door open, and she cuts off, looking my way with wide eyes, like a deer stunned in the headlights.
“It’s so fucking good to see you, love!” I say, rushing into the room.
But though I’d swear her eyes were just locked with mine for a millisecond right as I burst into the room, it’s like they slide right off me to the left, all animation leaving her face by the time I’m at her side.
“Anna!” I say, the excitement from hearing her voice sinking at the blank expression suddenly on her face.
“What happened?” I turn to look at Dr. Ezra where he sits in a chair across from Anna. “She was just here.”
I turn back to Anna, dropping down beside her and taking her hand. “Anna, it’s me.” I try to keep my voice light as I massage her palm with my thumb. “Love, I’m here. I’m right here.”
“I think you may have startled her,” Dr. Ezra says, his tone calm and without accusation.
“Me?” My head snaps towards him. “But I’m—” I cut off before I can really start railing at the bastard. I gaze at Anna, rubbing her hand more urgently before I remember I’m supposed to stay calm.
Fuck. She was here. Present. And then I came banging in like a goddamned ape and scared her away again.
Stupid. Stupid fucking piece of shit. Dumb shits like you deserve to be punished. I grip the hand not holding Anna’s into a fist, allowing my nails to cut into my palm. I squeeze my thumb in my fist until it starts to distend and hurt. Then I squeeze harder still.
“Domhnall,” Dr. Ezra says sharply, his tone cutting.
I look up in surprise, only to find his eyes on my fist.
“I think it’s best if you left us.”
Shame floods me. He knows. He can see what I am. I’m so careful all the time to hide it, but he can see.
Still, I cling to Anna’s hand even though I know he’s right. Of course he’s right. I’m no good for her.
But I never said I was a good man. And I always did love inflicting pain, didn’t I? Even now, as I see my presence hurts her, all I want to do is to cling tighter.
She’s mine, and I won’t let her go.
His protégé in truth, then?
I’m stabbed through the chest by the thought. Forcing my fingers to release her, I let go of Anna’s hand and stand.
Control is an illusion.
I was a fool to think different. Such a fucking fool.
I turn my face away from the three people in the room, every part of my body flooding with the heat of shame. I keep my face hidden from them as I hurry out the door.
Today, though, I won’t allow myself the solace of the whip. For once, I deserve to feel this pain in my chest, not my skin.
The easy escape of physical pain is a cop out. But without it to punish myself, all I can do is sit and stare endlessly at Anna’s unmoving figure on the screen in my office. This is the torture I deserve.
FORTY-TWO
ANNA
“It’s time, I think,” I say with a heavy heave of breath.
It’s taken so much courage to get to this point, I feel light-headed even saying it.
With Dr. Ezra’s help over the past month, we’ve made enough progress for me to come out of my dissociative state long enough to realize that I’ve got a mixed-up set of memories with the trauma wires all crossed.
It’s clear that me and her are both living here inside my head. Sometimes neither of us are in control and I’m just… floating outside my body. The doc and I haven’t figured out what the hell that’s about. Other than like, my body flushing trauma or some shit.
He makes me do a lot of breathing.