Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 80302 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80302 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
They eat away at you from the inside.
I doubt there’s a single person in the club that would have a problem with who I am.
Keeping my mouth shut is all about my own shame.
Who I am isn’t acceptable.
That’s what my Fundamentalist family raised me to believe, but even after leaving home, I couldn’t be myself.
Fighting against it never really became a struggle until the flirty bartender set his eyes on me.
He made me wish for things I couldn’t have.
Resisting him was easy until that first kiss.
Now there’s a very real chance my shame will ruin us both.
*************FULL BOOK START HERE*************
Prologue
Boomer
18 Years Old
My hands tremble uncontrollably as I walk through the nearly knee-high grass on the side of the road. I’ve been a nervous wreck since last night. All through my shift at work today, I couldn’t concentrate. I guess it’s a good thing that bagging groceries at the local mom-and-pop store doesn’t require much brain energy.
I stumble on a beer bottle hidden in the grass, barely regaining my footing before landing on my face.
I saw the threat in Jacob’s eyes last night. I knew things were going to change. I didn’t sleep at all, knowing I had to stay cognizant of my surroundings. I know what happens to boys who get caught doing what I was doing.
Masturbation is bad enough, a sin according to the teachings. Paul, our Prophet, speaks about it often.
Despite the sinful nature of touching one’s own body, most of the guys do it anyway. Jacob’s issue wasn’t that I was doing it, but how I was pleasuring myself.
The tremble in my hands is renewed as I think back to last night and how he caught me, what my fingers were doing when he walked into the room to find me naked from the waist down.
My urges are an abomination, immoral, and unrighteous.
They’re something I hate while at the same time struggling to control.
I’m a disgrace to my family, and although I’ve known this for years, I’ve always been good at hiding it.
It’s possible my brother loves me despite my sins, and maybe that’s the reason I wasn’t confronted by my father or the other elders in our community.
I keep my head down at the sound of tires crunching on the gravel behind me. Walking has never bothered me, but I’ve also never gotten used to the cruelty of others not connected to the church. Anyone who leaves the compound runs the risk of being taunted at best. At worst, we chance getting hurt. We’re an oddity for those that don’t understand, and although I work outside the community, I know enough to get my day done and return to the sanctity of the ranch.
Only today I don’t feel the safety that normally washes over me as I approach the gates.
Emmanuel, the man providing security at the entrance to the massive compound, narrows his eyes as I approach. I swallow the lump lodged in my throat as I give him a kind smile. He doesn’t return it as he normally does, and it makes chills race up my arms and travel down my spine.
I was foolish to think that my brother Jacob would keep quiet about what he discovered me doing yesterday evening. Living a principled life increases your chances of joining God in Heaven, but disclosing the sins of others so they can be redirected down the right path will ensure your place beside the Father.
Our belief that holiness supersedes all things guarantees Jacob won’t keep silent. The look in Emmanuel’s eyes as he opens the gate for me says it louder than words.
I know what I have to do long before Jacob steps into my path. I feel the others at my back. I also know that no matter how much I beg, my pleas will never change the outcome.
My biggest mistake was not packing my things and slipping away during the night. I can tell by the rage in Jacob’s eyes that not acting last night was the only reprieve he was willing to offer. He thinks of me as a fool for not taking it.
Remaining hopeful that my truths wouldn’t be shared was a mistake I’ll never make again.
The first strike of one of the boys behind me takes me to my knees.
The second is a blow to my face by Jacob, and I feel the pain deeper than the injury to my body.
As his older brother, I always tried to live in a way that would garner his respect. I acted with as much righteousness as I could manage in an effort not to lead him astray, despite knowing I was headed to Hell for who I was. Just because I was destined to burn didn’t mean that he had to follow me along that path.
He’s doing what needs to be done, and although I know I shouldn’t fault him for it, a bone-deep sense of betrayal sinks inside of me.
I have no recourse for mercy. I’m not owed leniency.
I also have no right to fight against the punishment I’m owed, and thinking of such is prideful and arrogant, two more sins I’ll have to atone for eventually.
I cover my face, doing my best to curl into a ball as the kicks and blows continue.
The rush of blood and the beating of my heart fill my ears, blocking out all other noise. I don’t have to hear them to know what they’re saying, how they use modern-day slurs despite our separation from nearly all things secular.