Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 105846 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 353(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 105846 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 353(@300wpm)
Pastor Bob places his Bible on the casket and his hand on top of that as he bows his head and prays directly for Summer. “Your life, we honor, your departure, we accept, your memory, we cherish. Although we are filled with grief today, tomorrow, and the rest of our days, we will be grateful for your life and the privilege of having shared it with you. Rest now, sweet Summer, and live on in both God and the hearts of those who love you. Blessed we are to have known you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”
“Amen.” The world is a broken collective of a tortured crowd and a hope for everything the pastor said all at once.
I inhale a shaky breath, and Josie rubs at my back. And across the space, Breezy pulls Bennett in for a hug. He goes willingly, and I look on as his body shakes with the overwhelming physicality of his grief.
“I invite you now to say your goodbyes to Summer’s corporeal body and to facilitate the passing of her spirit to heaven by placing a pink rose on the top of her casket. We’ll start with the back row and work our way forward, and Hank here will be passing out flowers as you approach.”
I don’t move or blink as I witness Bennett watch his world disappear. Flower after flower, he stares as his friends and acquaintances and even a couple of his pseudo-enemies help to lay his only daughter to rest. His eyes are icebergs in a tumultuous sea—a vivid difference from their usually warm, inviting blue waters.
It feels like hours pass before Pastor Bob invites our row to step forward, but when he does, Pete and Clay are the first to go. Two heavy-handed, brusque men moving with a gentleness I can hardly fathom. After their roses are placed, they round the casket to the other side, taking Bennett’s hand to shake and then pulling him into a tight hug, one after the other.
I take the gesture as an opening, cutting Josie off to be the next at Summer’s casket. With one hand to the wood, I close my eyes and imagine her face to make it easier to speak with her. Silently, I vow to keep my promises and to keep pushing to be there for Bennett until he lets me in. I can imagine her smile and even feel the warmth of her skin under all the kisses I was privileged enough to give her.
Ignoring the wind, I pull off my black sweater to reveal my pink dress and slide her pink sunglasses over my face. “Pink buddies forever, Summblebee.”
Bennett’s gaze follows me now as I step away from Summer for a final time and walk toward him, a fire burning inside it that’s liable to set my whole body ablaze.
Heart racing and breaking at the same time, I stop in front of the love of my life and wait. For permission, for a sign, for something I don’t fully understand until I have it.
It’s a gentle sway—a closing of a gap between Bennett’s chest and mine—but it’s all the signal I need. Without delay, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull his body to mine, soaking in the raging heat of his anguish with all I have. He hugs me back, crossing his arms at the back of my waist and digging his face into my neck. I feel the salty sting of his fresh tears, and without thinking, I squeeze him tighter.
My whisper is a desperate plea. “I still love you, Bennett. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
On the surface, it feels inappropriate and trite. But in the depths of my being, I know it’s the right thing to say. Bennett doesn’t want some hollow apology from me today any more than he wanted regrets for spilled milk. He wants his daughter, and by God, so do I. But what his daughter wanted was for the bond she formed with the two of us to carry on without her, and Bennett needs the reassurance that it’s a promise I intend to keep.
His face is startled as I break from the hug and step away, so I hold his eyes just long enough to settle them. When I step away and Josie steps in, I don’t look back.
With my chin high and my chest aching, I make the long walk from the cemetery to my waiting car and climb inside. Only then do I let my tears free.
I can’t think of anything I should’ve said; I can’t think of anything I regret at all. Because even knowing this is how it would end, I’d do it all again.
The truth is, Summer changed my life, and she’ll still be changing it long after the leaves fall.
41
Bennett
Saturday, September 18th
“You know I don’t want to have to say this, Ben, but I’m going to need your keys.”