Total pages in book: 69
Estimated words: 65346 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 327(@200wpm)___ 261(@250wpm)___ 218(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 65346 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 327(@200wpm)___ 261(@250wpm)___ 218(@300wpm)
It hurt to hear, even though I understood he wasn’t really speaking from his heart.
At least I hoped he wasn’t…
I stood so that I could be at his level. This wasn’t how things were going to end. I refused to believe that. I didn’t even answer his question, and although it felt a little too late for me to say “yes,” I could at least reassure him that it wasn’t a “no.” It would never be a “no,” not for Benji.
“The only mistake is me not reaching out to you these last six years. That’s the shit I regret.” I reached for him again, wanting the comfort of having his hands in mind.
He put his hands in his pockets instead.
“Just give me some time,” I said, trying not to throw in the white flag. “I just need a little bit of time.”
“As if six years wasn’t ‘a little bit’?” Benji was angry. I saw it sparking in the whites of his eyes. He turned away from me, lifting his hand to wipe something from his cheek. He let out a defeated sigh and started to walk away, leaves crunching under his footsteps.
“Forget it, Rex. Forget it all.”
I considered following him, chasing him even. I wanted to run after him. I wanted to say “forget everything I just said, yes let's be boyfriends, let’s just fucking be boyfriends, please.” The pain of seeing him walk away, head dropped in hurt, made me feel like I was splitting apart, made worse knowing that I had caused it. This threw me right back to our flight landing in the Atlanta airport, when Benji had blown up on me after that damn fucking text.
Something else in my life that I need to figure out before I can move on.
Who sent that text? And why? It ruined something that could have been incredible, and I was still dealing with the fallout. Watching the fallout storm off, resentment and anger roiling in his wake.
My hands squeezed into fists. This was not how I pictured tonight going. Not that I had any solid vision for it, but I definitely didn’t think this would be how it ended. I thought we’d spend another night in the guesthouse, hopefully a night that Benji decided to spend in my arms. I pictured us rolling around in the sheets until the sun came up. I had gotten a small taste of Benji, and now I wanted it all.
Yet I couldn’t even say yes.
“Fuck.” I balled my hands into fists. Tammy stirred from her spot under the tree, lifting her head, those huge honey-brown eyes blinking in my direction. Like any other domesticated animal, she seemed to have a sense when her humans were upset. She got up and hopped over to my side, where she sat on her hind legs and bumped her head into my calf, just like the cats my mom used to have.
I crouched down, scratching her head and wondering if I had made a huge fucking mistake.
“Oh, Tammy, what am I going to do.”
She chirped her answer.
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
My heart felt heavy. I looked toward the house, wondering if there was a boombox I could borrow real quick. This was a “rock on your window and a boombox on my shoulder” kind of moment. I hoped I didn’t fuck shit up too bad, although that seemed to be my MO lately…
I started to pace around in a loose circle, looking down at the leaf-covered ground. There was so much to think about, I could hardly even focus on one problem. They all blurred together, my blood pressure shooting up and my lungs tightening.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I walked to the edge of the lake. The sky, dark now, made the water seem like a black curtain had been drawn across it. Beyond the lake, I could see the thin shadow of the tall barbed-wire fence Mia and Ashley had installed after the attack on Tammy. It was a shitty reminder that someone out there wanted to hurt the Gold family.
Meanwhile, I’m doing damage just by being here.
Maybe I should have left. Should have gone to Florida. Should have never lost myself in New York. I should, I should, I should…
This was getting to be too much. This night felt like it was quickly spiraling out of control. I pulled out my phone and did the only thing I could think of doing: I dialed my best friend.
It rang and it rang. Please, pick up, Mav. More ringing.
Right as I was saying “fuck it” and about to close the call, I heard Mav’s voice come on the line. “Rex! My dude, what’s up, man?”
“Things are fucked, Mav. That’s what’s up.” I leaned against a tree and rubbed a hand over my face. “Fucked.”
“Is everything okay there? There hasn’t been another attack, has there?”