Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 101667 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 508(@200wpm)___ 407(@250wpm)___ 339(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 101667 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 508(@200wpm)___ 407(@250wpm)___ 339(@300wpm)
Tears threaten to burst from my eyes, and my stomach roils. Intense jealousy, shock, fear, and sadness all clash inside me. Processing so many feelings at once is completely rattling. I swallow hard and let out a shaky breath. “Have you…been with an escort before?” If he says yes, my heart will shatter right here on this garden bench.
“No.” He replies. “Never.”
My relief only lasts a few seconds. “Why this time?”
“You don’t want to know, Holly.”
“Yes I do.” Do I?
He smashes his cigarette out with his boot. “Because ever since I kissed you, I’m out of my friggin’ head thinking about what your skin feels like. What you taste like and how it would feel to have your thighs wrapped around my fucked-up head. Because I don’t want you to move five fucking hours away from me. That’s why.”
My heart catapults up into my throat, and a tingly sensation spreads from my chest down to my toes. His admission creates a battle inside me, and I have no idea which side will win. The fear of a man touching me and hurting me again? Or the desire to be touched, loved, and wanted? “Oh,” I breathe.
“Yeah,” he says. “Oh.”
I have to know more. “Then…why… why an escort?”
“Because I can’t touch you.”
Once again, my heart jumps, and I’m starting to worry this conversation is going to send me into cardiac arrest. “Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
I count to ten in my head. This is definitely one of those crazy real-life moments Dr. Reynolds told me I would eventually encounter. “Because of what happened to me?” I ask. “That’s why you can’t touch me?”
“That’s part of it.”
I’ve never felt more unwanted than I do right now. And that’s saying a lot.
“What’s the other part?”
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Let’s not do this, okay?”
“No. I think we should talk. Please…” I can’t possibly let this conversation go. It will eat at me and eat at me, and I won’t sleep for days, wondering about every little word and detail.
“Holly, look at me. Look at you. I look like someone beat me with a whole lotta ugly, sugar.” He turns, but all I see is a beautiful man who finally trusts me enough to not hide behind hair hanging over half his face anymore.
“I don’t see anything wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
“You’re blind. I’m a fucking mess, inside and out. And you? You’re gorgeous, but I think on the inside you’re a still a little bit messed up too, and I’ll only make you worse. We had proof of that a few days ago. You deserve better. You need better.”
“I don’t. I need you.”
He shakes his head back and forth. “It’s just wrong for us. Trust me.”
I wonder how long he’s felt this way. I’ve been daydreaming about him more and more. Not to the graphic degree that he described, but in my own way. I’ve been hoping he would kiss me again, now that I know what to expect.
“Ty…do you think I don’t want to be touched? Do you think I don’t want you to touch me? Am I disgusting to you?” My voice rises in pitch. “Because of what happened to me? And because of how I reacted the other day?”
“No. None of that. I’m just not the right guy for you.”
He says it right to my face, his beautiful blue eyes drilling into mine, but I don’t think he believes his words any more than I do.
“Isn’t that for me to decide?”
He gives me his lopsided grin. “I’m not the prince on the white horse, Holly. I’m just a fucked-up ugly loser on an old beat-up motorcycle.”
“You’re not any of those things,” I say. “What if you are the right guy?”
His head shakes back and forth. “I’m not. Not for you. Probably not for anyone.”
Hearing him say that rips my heart apart, and tears spill down my cheeks as my entire body trembles and I start to sob uncontrollably. “Why not?” I beg.”What’s wrong with me? And why do you think something’s wrong with you?”
He stands and pulls me up with him. “Holly…I don’t want you getting this upset. No more talking. Come on.” He takes my hand again, and I follow him into the house, where he sets me on the couch, kneels in front of me, and takes off my shoes.
“Lie down,” he whispers, and when I do, he pulls the blanket off the back of the couch and gently places it over me. “You’re beautiful.” His fingers trace the curve of my jaw. “And you’re perfect. You deserve all the love in the world.” His scratchy voice is soft, oddly soothing, caressing my soul and seeping into the deep cracks that threaten to break me. I wish he would let his walls down and let this sweet side show more often. I know in my heart this side is the man he was meant to be.