Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 100713 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 504(@200wpm)___ 403(@250wpm)___ 336(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 100713 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 504(@200wpm)___ 403(@250wpm)___ 336(@300wpm)
“I don’t know, Mallory. He’s pretty stubborn. And I know from psychology class that the fear of losing is more powerful than the pleasure of gaining. Losses always loom larger.” I took a breath. “And who knows? Maybe he realized he was waiting all this time for nothing. Maybe I wasn’t worth it. Sometimes reality is a shitty replacement to fantasy—maybe I was better as the dream girl.”
“I don’t believe that for one second,” she said firmly.
“But it’s hard not to think that way,” I admitted. “I’ve made some really bad choices in my life because I clung to fantasy—what could be rather than what was right in front of me. Maybe Beckett is doing me a favor by telling me now that he can’t give me what I want.”
“But he’s throwing away a chance to be happy,” she said angrily.
“That’s his choice. And if he chooses to be alone, there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
She nodded sadly, and my last hope dwindled to nothing.
Nineteen
Beckett
Standing in front of the mirror above my dresser, I frowned, undid my tie, and re-knotted it for the fifth time. Tightened it. Smoothed it. Adjusted it once again.
But it wasn’t my tie making me scowl at my reflection.
It wasn’t the suit either. Or the crisp white shirt or the matching pocket square or my haircut or my cufflinks or my watch. It wasn’t even the note card in my pocket with words on it that felt like complete bullshit.
It was me. It was what I’d done.
I’d lied. I’d hurt someone I cared about. I’d made her feel like she didn’t matter enough to me. I’d been unable to make her understand the truth.
But was that my fault? Did I need to punish myself for it?
This was why it was better to focus on things you could control, like work. Personal relationships were too unstable, too volatile. Feelings were irrational and unpredictable.
Boundaries were better. Keeping people at arm’s length. Sticking to the things you were good at, so you didn’t wind up feeling like a failure.
A knock on my bedroom door made me jump. “Yeah?”
“It’s me.” My sister poked her head into the room. “Can I come in?”
“Go ahead.”
She shut the door and sat behind me on the foot of the bed. “You look nice.”
“I can’t get the fucking knot in my tie right.”
“Want help?”
“No.” Angrily I yanked the tie loose again and started over.
“Beautiful day for a wedding.”
“I guess.”
“You don’t sound too excited about it.”
“Why should I be excited?”
“I don’t know, you grouchy old man, maybe because one of your lifelong best friends is marrying the love of his life?”
I didn’t answer.
She folded her arms over her chest. “I know you had an argument with Maddie.”
“It wasn’t an argument,” I snapped.
“Oh? What was it?”
“It was a discussion during which I saved us both a lot of heartbreak down the road.”
“How do you know there would have been heartbreak? Maybe things would have worked out.”
“I was honest about my feelings.” The knot was still crooked. I jerked it loose.
“No, you weren’t. You were stubborn.”
I spun to face her. “You don’t know anything about it.”
Sighing, she rose to her feet and came toward me and unraveled the knot all the way, patiently starting over. “Can I say something?”
Even though I wanted to push her away, kick her out of my room, and slam the door behind her, I took a deep breath and let her speak.
“I know what it was like to grow up in this house. Learning your mother abandoned you. Thinking that you weren’t good enough to make her stay. Wondering what you did wrong. Believing that your feelings must not matter. Being scared to love someone because they could choose to leave you too.”
“That’s not what—”
Her eyes flicked up sharply. “I’m not done.”
I pressed my lips together and exhaled through my nose.
“Not everyone leaves, Beckett. I’m not saying it’s easy, but some people make a different choice.”
“Love isn’t a choice,” I said angrily. “I fucking wish it were.”
“That’s true. Love isn’t a choice. But sticking with someone you love is. Staying to the end. It takes grit and grace and a whole lotta patience and compromise, but it’s worth it. There.” She adjusted the knot one last time and smoothed the front of my tie. “Perfect.”
I turned and looked in the mirror. “Not bad.”
“Thank you. Now do you promise to think about what I said?”
“It’s no use, Mallory,” I said stubbornly. “She has to leave. I can’t stop her.”
My sister sighed. “Then I guess you’ll deserve the way it feels to watch her go.”
When I said nothing, she left the room and pulled the door shut behind her.
Alone again, I stared myself down in the mirror, knowing my sister was right. I would deserve the way it felt to watch her walk away. But I didn’t have a choice.