Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
I’m little and sad all the time and I try to bond with my dad because he’s all I have left, but he doesn’t like me. (His words.)
I’m shy and it’s hard to make friends. I’m never invited to any birthday parties. And other kids make sure I know I’m not invited.
My dad helps me decorate for Christmas. Then he disappears for days, missing it. There aren’t ever any presents under the tree. (I don’t really care about the whole presents thing now, but I was little and I cared about it then.)
I’m picked on every day in middle school and the teachers don’t care. My dad doesn’t care. No one seems to care.
I get hooked on drugs, and my dad thinks it’s funny.
Lily Wetzel kisses me when I’m fourteen and I don’t want her to, but she does it anyway, stealing my first kiss. It should’ve gone to Nicolaus Moss. I think he’d like it.
Two months later, Nicolaus slams my face into a locker when I give him my second kiss (he doesn’t like it), even though he initiated the kiss just as much as I did. He calls me ugly and gross and I never forget it.
My dad disappears again. I don’t see him for two months. I almost starve.
I’m fifteen and taller (finally), and I learn how to fix my hair. But boys don’t look at me. Girls don’t look at me either. I don’t like my hair much anymore.
I’m sixteen and everyone knows I’m gay, even though I never tell anyone. (You should get to come out when you’re ready.)
I’m sixteen, but I say I’m eighteen when the guy who sells me coke asks me to touch his dick. He fucks me and it’s not nice or sweet or anything I want it to be. But I think I could love him one day if I really try. When I text him again, he doesn’t answer. I find out he’s overdosed.
I’m seventeen and I meet a cute boy at a club who smiles at me when I talk. We fuck and it’s nice and sweet and everything I want it to be. His parents catch us in his basement. There’s suddenly a for sale sign in front of his house. I don’t get to say goodbye.
I’m seventeen and my father tells me he’ll watch me graduate. And even though he’s drunk, I believe him. He never shows up.
I’m eighteen and I hate myself. I think I always have.
I’m nineteen and I never see my father.
I’m twenty and in love for the first time. But he’s “straight” and married and hides me. I think I can be okay with being his secret. He breaks up with me on my birthday.
I’m twenty-one and always high. I think I have a problem.
At my first meeting, I meet Lawrence. He’s fifty and funny, and he says he’ll be my sponsor. I’m clean for a month, and I can’t wait to tell him, but he never shows up at our next meeting. I find out he’s dead. Heroin.
I’m twenty-two and hooked on painkillers. I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I find another meeting because I can’t go back to my old one, and I meet Dean. He takes me to get donuts after it’s over, because I’m late and the snacks are gone, and I think he likes sugar as much as I do. He has the coolest tattoos and he owns his own shop. I like him instantly. I ask him if he’s ever done heroin. (He has. He’s done it all.) I tell him he isn’t allowed to die because I want him to be my sponsor.
I’m twenty-three and clean for the longest I’ve ever been. I have my first real job. And my first real friend. I’m happy.
Okay, so except for that last one where I tell you how awesome I’ve been doing, look at all that bad! Where’s the balance? I suffered for years!
So, I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable of me to bitch and complain about this whole Jake being off-limits thing.
It sucks. It sucks so bad.
What if he’s the one? What if we’re supposed to meet this way so we can tell our children (Charlie and Cassie) about it and they can say something like “Tell us the story again, Daddy. It’s so unique! We love it!” And just because some all-knowing dickhead came up with this rule about not getting romantically involved with your sponsor/sponsee, Jake and I never get together, fall in love, get married, or have Charlie and Cassie via surrogate using both of our sperm so we each have a kid who looks like ourselves.
There’s a small chance I’ve really thought about our future together.
In my defense, I didn’t pick out the names of our children until after I had Jake’s tongue in my mouth and I knew he was into me.