Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
I’m bawling now. I can’t stop.
CJ’s arms tense around me while mine drape over him as much as they can without pulling out this fucking IV, and we hold on to each other and cry together, and I remember being twenty years old and how he held me when he found me on the floor in his closet.
My big brother who was so strong. We cried together then too.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” I say as I keep wiping at my face while CJ lets his tears absorb into the scratchy hospital blanket.
And then nothing else is said for a while. I’m not sure how long.
Time feels like it moves slower inside these walls.
But then my brother’s cries become softer like my own, and I focus on the bleep bleep bleep and the heart still beating inside my chest until I hear his voice again.
“They said you’d wake up,” he shares, head turned to me and eyes unfocused. He sniffles. “They kept telling me you’d be okay, but I was so fuckin’ scared, Jake. Jesus Christ. I was so scared our last conversation was going to be me telling you all those things, those terrible things I didn’t mean. How could I—” He pauses, face pinching in agony. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that shit. How could I say that to you?”
Breath shudders past my lips, and I’m terrified to ask him, but I have to know. “Do you hate me?”
I think he does.
He should.
CJ’s eyes dart up to meet mine, and then he sits on the edge of the bed and crowds me, gripping on to the back of my neck and keeping our faces close.
“I could never hate you. Never. Okay? I swear, I didn’t mean any of that, Jake. I was just, fuck. There’s no excuse for the things I said. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
CJ looks so miserable, it kills me.
“I’m sorry too,” I say. “About everything.”
“I know.”
My lip trembles so much I have to bite it. And I can’t stop crying all over myself.
Jesus. Can’t people run out of tears?
CJ presses his forehead against mine and squeezes my neck, trying to comfort me when I should be the one comforting him.
“R-Riley,” I mumble.
“She’s okay,” he promises. “Everything’s okay.”
“She should hate me too.”
“No one hates you. Hey. None of that was your fault, Jake. None of it.”
I’m gasping my breaths, trying to calm myself down, and I want to hear him. Really hear him and let go of this guilt I’ve felt for what feels like days.
“I’ve been so worried, CJ.”
“Why?”
“I really thought you’d never speak to me again.”
“Come on,” he says in a joking way, but I know he’s only trying to lighten the mood. “You’re my little brother. My buddy. God, do you know what all I’d do for you? I’d do anything, Jake. You’re my best friend.”
“Anything. Like break down doors, right?”
He leans away slightly, and his mouth ticks up. “You think some fucking door is going to stop me if you’re behind it?”
I feel the ghost of a smile tug at my lips.
Then CJ says, “I’ll also permanently fuck up anyone who tries taking you away from me.” And I have no idea what he means by that.
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
He releases my neck and brings his hand between us, showing off his knuckles that are swollen and bruised and cut up so badly, they look like they’ve been dragged repeatedly across bricks, and in an almost awe-filled tone, he says, “That fucking dealer probably wishes he was dead right now.”
My breath catches.
I feel my stomach bottom out and fight the urge to hurl, dropping my head back against the bed as panic grips at my chest.
“CJ,” I whimper.
“Hey.” He leans in again, saying, “It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. I promise.”
“Why am I so fucked up?” I ask, wiping tears from my face. “Jesus Christ. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this shit?”
I watch my brother open his mouth and then close it again so quickly, because he doesn’t understand this or me and he never will, will he? And what can he say to me right now that he hasn’t already said a hundred times before?
“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I cry. “Please help me. Please? I need you.”
“Come here.” CJ gently pulls me against him and hugs me, kissing the side of my head. “I’ll do anything to keep you alive, Jake. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
I nod against his shoulder, and then I share the one thing I’ve been putting off because it scares me more than anything.
More than being in another hospital and the look on my brother’s face when I first woke up.
More than any drug I’ve ever taken.
It’s my last resort, and if I can’t do it or if I don’t, I’ll die. I know I will.