Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 114011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 570(@200wpm)___ 456(@250wpm)___ 380(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 114011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 570(@200wpm)___ 456(@250wpm)___ 380(@300wpm)
I laugh at the idea. It doesn’t seem like that is what it would be at all. But after spending the night wrapped around each other—and in and on and under each other, kissing and talking and laughing like teenagers—it seemed like the best solution for him to be gone before Ethan woke up.
Thank God Ethan is a very deep sleeper.
“So, now what?” Val asks. “You just see him when you see him or what?”
I pull into the driveway. A bubble of anticipation mixed with a dose of anxiety rises in my stomach.
“Well, no,” I say. “He’s actually coming over again tonight. Ethan will be gone, so we’re going on a date, I guess, and having a conversation.”
A conversation. I take a deep breath.
If I don’t consider it too deeply, I think it’s going to be fine. Maybe he just wants to clarify boundaries or check in on how I’m doing since he knows that this thing we’ve been doing wasn’t necessarily on my radar. Not with him, anyway.
But who am I kidding? Of course I overthink it.
Tonight could go so many ways. In a fantasy world, I’d love for him to tell me he wants a real relationship with me. He did mention having an affinity for Bloomfield.
But is that even possible? Is it too far-fetched to hope for the conversation to go that way? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak?
“Why didn’t you just do that in the middle of the night? What better way to have a state-of-the-relationship thing when his thing is . . .” She laughs. “Okay. I get your point. Probably better to do it tonight.”
I laugh and park my car next to Kirk’s. “For sure. We need a little time apart this morning to clear our heads.”
“You mean you need some time to clear your head.” Val sighs. “Don’t do this, Palm. Don’t overthink it.”
“Too late.”
I unbuckle my seat belt and kill the engine. Instead of climbing out of the car, I sit and stare into the beautiful morning sky.
“What if I lose my life jacket somewhere?” I ask, my voice hollow. “What if this gamble I take doesn’t pay off, and I have to call you tonight in tears?”
And have to break Ethan’s heart—because that’s what it will be. He’s fallen in love with Cole too.
The realization freezes me in my seat. I’m in love with him.
Holy shit.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry—to be amazed or ashamed.
I went and fell in love with him.
My insides push and pull in such a frenzy that I think I’m going to be sick. I hold a hand over my mouth and try not to puke.
“You haven’t breathed in, like, a solid thirty seconds,” Val notes.
I let out a rush of air. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
“No, you aren’t. As a matter of fact, I think what you’re feeling is happiness, and you’re afraid of it.”
“I’m afraid of being happy?” I drop my hand. “I think that’s impossible.”
“Probably for everyone except for you.” She laughs. “Every time you’ve been happy in your life, someone has made it their mission to destroy you. You have a fear of being happy because you expect the disappointment—the destruction—that always follows. It’s not hard to believe. It’s science.”
Why does this make so much sense?
Val sighs. “You’ve been so happy lately. I’ve heard you laugh more than I’ve heard you laugh in your entire life. And you’ve basically been ignoring me, so the sex must be good.”
I shake my head and smile.
“Give him a chance, Palm. Don’t go into this conversation holding a match to burn the whole thing down just because you saw him at the gas station. Do you get what I mean? Did that analogy make sense?”
I laugh. “No, it did not.”
“You know what I mean. Don’t twist the happiness into something ugly just because you expect it. Give him a chance to surprise you.”
He has surprised me. Every day.
I have been happy. That’s what this feeling is. I wasn’t sure that I would ever feel this way. The closest I’ve ever gotten to this was the day Ethan was born. But even that day was filled with an anxiety that Jared wouldn’t be present. He said he would, but I already knew better than to put a lot of stock in the things he said.
But this isn’t like that.
Cole has only ever followed through with his word. He’s never made promises and failed me. He’s been there when he didn’t have to be and stepped up for Ethan’s baseball team when he didn’t have an iron in the fire.
He’s a good man.
“He’s nice to you, Mom. All the time. Not like Charlie or the other guys you’ve gone out with that make you mad and frustrated. Or cry in the bathroom. This is the kind of guy you should have around. And I like him, too, and he doesn’t think I’m just some punk kid . . .”