Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 87181 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87181 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
“Embarrassing,” she choked out.
Fuck me.
That was the wrong word choice.
Again…not an author.
“Holly—” I started, about to try to remove my foot from my mouth.
“No.” She cut me off with a shake of her head. “Please go.”
I stepped back from her front door. Before she could close it, I placed my hand on it. We were inches apart, and my voice cracked as I stared into her eyes. “There is someone out there who looks at you like you’re everything, Holly. There is someone who sees you and knows for a fact that you are something unique to this world. There is someone who wants to give you everything that you’ve ever wanted and more. But that’s not Matthew. He will let you down. Stop love bombing yourself so that you won’t be alone.”
Her eyes were seconds away from releasing her emotions. I felt like the jerk of the year for yet again bringing her to the verge of tears.
“Kai?”
“Yes?”
“I think our friendship should take a break for a while.”
My already damaged heart.
It shattered even more.
“Holly, wait…” I begged. Yeah, I begged. I pleaded. Weeks ago, I didn’t know her name. Now, I struggled to imagine a world without her in it.
She gently placed her hand against my chest, removed me completely from her space, and shut the door in my face. I returned to my apartment to find a hopeful Mano waiting to hear how the exchange with Holly went.
“So? All good?” he asked.
I grumbled and headed straight for my room. “Nope.”
The door slammed to my bedroom, and I felt overwhelming anxiety building in my chest. I felt awful for the way things unfolded with Holly. I felt ashamed that I didn’t know how to say things correctly or voice my opinions without them appearing harsh and hurtful. They said hurt people hurt people; if that were true, I was the most damaged person out there.
I wasn’t judging Holly for not wanting to be alone. I wouldn’t judge anyone for that fact because I knew the darkest corners of my solitude. Loneliness was my best friend and worst enemy. It had haunted me for years now. I knew loneliness inside and out, how it worked, how it mocked, and how it burned one’s soul and almost forced individuals to stay where they no longer belonged because they were so terrified of being alone.
I’d been terrified of being alone. I’d stayed in places and with people when the wise choice would’ve been to go. It took me a long time to realize that being alone was much better than being lonely with the wrong individuals.
Yet, that realization didn’t happen overnight. It took days, weeks, and years of unstable connections with people who didn’t belong. It took hours, minutes, and seconds of breakdowns, leading to breakthroughs. It took me choosing myself over others. That choice was never something that came easy to me.
That was all I was trying to express to Holly—that I knew her struggles because I’d lived them myself. I wasn’t trying to speak down to her for her pain and fear of loneliness—I was trying to connect with her on our common traits. I was trying to tell her everything I wished I could’ve said to myself. That she deserved better. That she deserved more. That she was worthy of everything she wanted, but it was impossible to build love stories against a bad foundation.
That was all I wanted to say to her. That was all I was trying to do.
Still, I let her down.
Still, I failed.
That was the messed-up part about being human. Your screwups sometimes hurt the ones you cared about the most.
Three Years Ago
“I’m feeling pretty good today,” Penelope said as she sat on the couch with her knees pulled into her chest. She looked good, too. She only had a few more treatments, and somewhere along the way, we’d started making a turn for the better with her health.
I’d sat on the text messages between her and Lance for weeks. There never seemed to be a good time for me to bring them up. What the hell was I supposed to say, anyway? Hey, sorry about your battle with cancer. By the way, I want a divorce.
Maybe I had a right to say those things, but still…I felt scared. Even though I knew what Penelope had done, I was still scared of losing her. My parents were never really there for me, and when I moved to Chicago, Penelope was the first person who’d ever shown me what real love could look like, what it felt like. Over the past few weeks, I could only think about whether I did something wrong. Perhaps, I pushed her into the arms of another. I had been working a lot and going to school. Ayumu and I spent too much time together trying to figure out how to launch our business. Maybe Penelope felt overlooked. Maybe she felt lonely.