Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Olivia was only eight months old. They’d spent more time with her during the pregnancy than they had after she’d been born. That unfairness left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I swallowed thickly. It didn’t help.
Though Olivia had spent her first couple of nights in her playpen in our bedroom, pulled up close to Neil’s side of the bed, he had worried about the soft sides, whether or not they would be safe with her habit of snuggling her face into them, so we’d had a crib delivered. It was the same model as the one she had in her nursery, which was currently in the hands of the moving company who would be bringing her things to Sagaponack. It was astounding how much stuff she’d already amassed in her little life. Now, living with us, she’d be living the same life Emma had as a child, with her very own bedroom in a ton of different houses.
As I watched, Neil carefully adjusted Olivia against his shoulder, one big hand coming up to cup the back of her head.
He looked up, half turning to mouth, “Is she sleeping?”
I couldn’t help but smile at Olivia’s wide blue eyes staring at me over her grandfather’s shoulder.
“Not even a little.” I came into the room to stand beside them. For the first few nights Olivia had been with us, I’d felt oddly removed from the entire situation. It seemed so intimate, to care for someone else’s child. It felt, still felt, like Emma was in the room with us, judging me for not loving her daughter as much as she had. But the more time I spent with Olivia, the more silly I found that idea. There was no way anyone would ever love Olivia more than her parents had, but I was certain I would never love any other child on the planet as much as I loved Olivia. I’d known that from the moment she’d been born.
At first, I’d just thought Neil was exhausted, and that was why red ringed his eyes. But, with the baby in his arms, he couldn’t wipe away the tears that spilled down his cheeks. Not that he would have hidden them from me, in the first place.
“Do you need me to take her?” I asked, putting my hand on his arm.
“No.” He gave me a small smile, despite his tears. “Honestly, I didn’t need to come in here. She was only fussing a little, and she probably would have gone right back to sleep. I just needed to hold her.”
We stood in silence together, looking out at the New York night.
“I don’t know how to do this, Sophie.” His shoulders slumped. It was the weight of his grief pressing him down.
“Well, I don’t either.” I tried to smile, but I felt the tears at the corners of my eyes. “We can figure it out.”
“I don’t know how to raise another person’s child.” He kissed Olivia’s head. “This was supposed to be Emma’s job, and Michael’s. I was just on standby to give her toys and make her like me.”
“Right, and now, I’m sure you’ll never buy her a single toy. Or pony.” That was an inevitability now that Emma wasn’t around to object to it. “You know how to be a father. You did a good job with Emma. You’ll do a good job with Olivia.”
“Exactly, I knew how to be father. Not a grandfather stepping into a father’s shoes.”
“Hey, we can do this.” He would probably be much better at it than I would, but I was sure I could get by, once I got some experience under my belt.
“I’m so sorry, Sophie,” he said softly, holding my gaze with his steady green eyes. “I know you never wanted children.”
“Don’t say that. Not when she can hear,” I said, laying my hand over his on Olivia’s back. I would never let her doubt, not for a millisecond, that we loved her and that she wasn’t just welcome, but needed, in our lives. “Sometimes, plans change, okay? And we don’t have to do this alone. My mom lives way too close to us, so I can always call on her. You were a great dad, so I can pick up some pointers from you. And it’s not just us. Valerie is going to be a part of this.”
“Ah, Valerie, yes. I’m sure you’re thrilled at that prospect,” he said with a grim laugh.
“Okay, I know I’m supposed to be like, ‘don’t let Olivia know that I don’t like Valerie,’ but she’s going to be smart. She’ll figure it out.”
“You’re very bad at disguising it,” Neil reminded me, as if I needed reminding.
“I’ll try to hone my skills. Olivia is lucky. Not every kid gets three parental figures who want so badly to succeed in raising her.” I rose on my tiptoes to kiss Olivia’s head. There was no doubt in my mind that, maternal instinct or not, I’d love this kid. I just wouldn’t ever feel like a mom. It was going to take a while to feel like I had the right.