Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 104151 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104151 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
“Erin’s mom dropped me off early, and I overhead Dad losing his mind over the bottle of pills you swallowed. I heard that discussion, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”
“Eve …” Mom started.
“For the record, I’m not fishing for an apology. My therapist explained something called postpartum depression to me. If you had that, I understand why you didn’t want to have another baby. I’m just saying that if it was me specifically, I’m sorry. I wish I would have known better. And maybe I wish I would have told you I knew about the pills. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken that first drink. As frustrating as some of the things you’ve done or said to me have been—the rules I disagree with and the lack of power I feel over making decisions for my own body—the mistakes are mine and mine alone. I made poor choices when I knew better. I made the mess that forced you to send me away for a month of rehab. I accept the blame and responsibility, and I hope you can forgive me in time. But I’m not saying all of this for your forgiveness. I’m saying it for my journey that I hope involves wiser decisions.”
My dad stared at me without blinking, and my mom slowly turned to face me. They were speechless, and just as well because I needed to get out my apologies, but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything. And I was done crying.
No more tears.
I’d given all of them to Kyle.
With nothing more than a sincere, whispered thank-you from them, my dad pulled back onto the main road and drove us the rest of the way home. When we arrived, he carried my bag inside, but my mom reached for my hand to keep me on the front porch.
I lifted my shoulders toward my ears because the wind was strong, and the cold nipped at my skin.
“Eve”—she shook her head—“I’m beside myself. I wish I would have known that you knew.”
“Knowing wouldn’t have changed the fact that you wanted to …”
Gah!
I didn’t want to cry, but it was hard to say the words to her. It made them feel more real.
I cleared my throat and swallowed. “Feeling like you’re one bad situation away from ending your life is unbearable.” I shook my head.
Mom wiped her eyes.
“It’s one thing to feel the privilege of contributing to a person’s happiness, but it’s torture to feel like my actions could lead to you taking your life. Don’t you get that?”
She continued wiping her tears while nodding. “I’m so sorry. And I do understand this. Grandma and I talked. I’m okay.” She squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to walk around on eggshells. I can handle whatever happens. I promise.”
I returned a slight nod, and she hugged me.
“Eve, all this time … I can’t believe you’ve lived with this secret, feeling like it was your fault. I will never be able to make this up to you. I’m so, so very sorry, my sweet girl.”
I hugged her until I could speak past my emotions. “It’s cold. Can we go inside?” I asked.
She laughed. “Of course. Let’s make hot chocolate.”
After a shower to wash the rehab clinic from my skin, I dried my hair and joined Mom in the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?” I asked.
“He had some things to do at the church.” She set a mug of hot chocolate in front of me when I sat at the table. “We’re having a family dinner tonight. Gabby knows you’re coming home, so she’ll be here. And your dad is picking Grandma up on his way home.”
I nodded, blowing at the steam as she sat across from me and held her mug cupped in her hands.
“Eve, I need to know if Kyle did anything to you that wasn’t consensual.”
My gaze snapped up to hers. “What? No!” I shook my head a half dozen times.
She returned a sad smile. “I had to ask.”
“I love him. And maybe I’ll never get to be with him, but I love him with my whole heart. And that means that through this process, losing him has destroyed my heart. So don’t do this. Don’t blame him or me for falling in love. It was mutual and consensual. Everyone is so focused on the ten years between us, but that’s just a stupid number. We fall in love with our hearts, not with our brains. This wasn’t me trying to rebel and upset you and Dad. Do you think feeling like we couldn’t tell anyone about our relationship was easy or fun?”
“Eve, we only want what’s best for you.”
“But why do you get to choose? Why do you even get a say in it? I’m going to spend my whole life making mistakes. That’s part of being human. Isn’t it exhausting to feel responsible for everyone’s choices? You have to let me do this. My decisions are mine now. I don’t need you to make them for me. I need you to love me. You and Dad have always preached about unconditional love. A Godly kind of love. Let me live. Let me stumble. Let me figure things out as I go. Just love me. That’s it.”