Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 95816 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 479(@200wpm)___ 383(@250wpm)___ 319(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95816 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 479(@200wpm)___ 383(@250wpm)___ 319(@300wpm)
So, I left, taking my secret with me, and I started a new life, leaving that part of my past behind me.
I loved being your mother. It was the greatest gift of my life. Never doubt that. Never doubt my love for you. And I pray your love doesn’t change after you read the next part.
I had to stop and draw in a deep breath. A small voice in my head kept repeating the same phrase. He didn’t know. Richard didn’t know.
I returned to the letter.
I saw your father when you were about four. I assume he was in Toronto on a business trip. I was shocked when I realized he had his wife with him. The way he acted with her showed me he was a man deeply in love. I barely recognized him or the way he behaved. I was close enough to hear him talking about their newborn daughter, but he never noticed me. The only person he saw in that entire room was her.
I should have approached him. Spoken with him and told him about you. I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t. The simple and complex answer is that I was frightened. Richard was wealthy. Powerful. The man I had known was capable of being ruthless.
I was terrified if I told him about you, he would decide to step in. Take you from me. I couldn’t take that chance. If he chose to fight me, I would lose. I had nothing to fight with.
So, I said nothing. Once again, I disappeared.
And when you asked about him, my terror resurfaced, and I lied. I told you he didn’t want you. The truth was, he didn’t want me.
I dropped the letter, unable to contain my sobs anymore.
My father never knew about me. My mother, in her terror thinking she could lose me, never told him. He had been telling the truth.
Strangely, I had no anger toward my mother. I felt only a deep, abiding sadness for her fear. For the pain she carried all those years, loving a man who didn’t love her back. The worry she must have felt, wondering if somehow Richard would find out and come after her. Me.
Richard.
The man I had been so furious at, I could scarcely move past it. I thought of the angry, hateful words I threw at him. My refusal to listen to his insistence that he hadn’t known about me.
I bent, my eyes catching the last paragraphs of the letter.
Your father’s name is Richard VanRyan. You have his eyes, his hands, his brilliant mind. Somehow you also have that hidden part of him—that caring thoughtfulness he himself never knew he had. I followed him the past years, and he is a changed man. One who deserves to know you. Find him, Ashley, and get to know him. I want that for you. He can’t hurt me anymore, but I fear I have hurt you with my decision. I’m sorry I kept you away from him. Please forgive me.
My selfishness made your life harder than it had to be. I loved you too much to risk him knowing. Yet by doing so, I fear I kept you away from knowing the man I had wished him to be. I have lived with that regret for so long, I cannot recall a time I was without it. Yet every time I tried to tell you, I stopped, fearing your reaction. Fearing losing the love of the one person I would give my life for.
Please don’t hate me.
Momma.
“Oh, Momma, I could never hate you,” I whispered, tears slipping down my cheeks. I looked around, feeling vulnerable and alone. Regretting the past weeks. The anger and bitterness. The way I tamped down every good inclination when it came to Richard or his family. I had fed off my negative emotions, refusing to give them a real chance.
And I wasn’t sure I would get another one.
I picked up my phone, calling Luc, but it went straight to voice mail. I shook my head as I hung up. He was no doubt deep into work in a server room, his fingers flying over the keyboard as he strove to find and fix the constant error. I didn’t want him to hear my upset voice when he took a break to check his phone. He had a job to do, and if he found out what was going on, knowing him, he would jump on the next plane and come home to help me. I didn’t need that guilt on top of everything else I was feeling.
I stared at my phone, uncertain. I needed to talk to someone.
There was one person I could speak with, but I wasn’t sure if they would even take my call anymore.
I hesitated, then brought up my contact list and hit send.