Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 50828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 50828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
“Like I did.” Dad heaves a pained sigh. “Oh, my god. I’m so sorry. I tried to spare you the worst…”
“I would rather have held your hand during your illness than spend all this time wondering what horrible thing I’d done that made loving me impossible.”
“Nothing, kiddo. Nothing at all.” Regret tightens his face. “I really am sorry.”
After a decade of carrying an albatross of fear and anger, I finally got the apology I’ve needed for so long. Yet it feels anticlimactic. Once he spoke the words I needed, I thought I’d be magically healed. I thought it would change something inside me.
I was wrong. I’m still the same Izzy with the same fears and insecurities.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“I haven’t done a good job of showing it, but I love you.”
He looks at me expectantly, as if he wants me to return the sentiment. I don’t have the energy or bravery right now to open my heart. I don’t have it in me to forgive and forget. Not my father. Not Nathan. Maybe if I rest and think and pray…
Or maybe…I should confront my fear head-on and tackle life alone while I decide whether to let either of them back into my life.
“That’s good to know,” I finally say.
More regret crosses his face, but he gives me an artificial smile. “Of course. That’s quite a wedding ring you’re wearing.” He gestures to my left hand. “Did you pick that out?”
“Nathan did.”
Dad falls quiet, and the wordless moments stretch on. The silence turns awkward, but I don’t have the energy to fill the emptiness. After a grief-ridden Christmas Eve and an anxiety-filled Christmas night, my husband, whom I was falling for, turned out to value revenge more than me. Then my dad shows up out of the blue and drops a bombshell. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know how to feel, except spent.
“You know, when Nathan and I were business partners, he was my best friend, too. Good guy,” Dad says. “Always made the right call. I was sometimes jealous of his innate ability to know the perfect thing to say or do in any situation. He was a really honorable son of a bitch, too. We’d go on business trips, and he’s a good looking SOB, right? He’d get hit on a lot. He always stayed true.”
“You didn’t?”
“I didn’t have nearly as many opportunities as Nate, but…your mom and I had problems almost from the start. I’m not proud of the choices I made.”
“They were selfish.” Maybe I shouldn’t say that or be so harsh, but I won’t hold back my feelings anymore. When I do, I’m always the one who gets hurt.
“You’re right. Julia and I have talked about the fact we’re both innately selfish people, and we’re working to be better.”
“Is that why she never wanted kids and lied to Nathan?”
Dad nods. “She hoped if she kept kicking the can down the road, they would eventually get too old for kids, that he would give up and be happy with the status quo.”
“That’s selfish and dishonest, too.” In fact, I’m horrified. “How can you love someone like that?”
Dad sighs. “She’s not that person anymore. Age and life have this way of changing folks. You get older and you start to look back at the choices you made and the things you valued. In hindsight, you see where you fucked up. You learn lessons. You want to right wrongs and be a better human. And sometimes, that all comes too late.” He swallows. “After trying to get pregnant for the last six months, Julia and I found out she waited too long. She can’t have kids anymore. She’s only thirty-eight, but she has to have a hysterectomy right after our honeymoon.”
He doesn’t have to tell me how much Nathan’s ex-wife regrets her decisions. It’s all over his face.
“You’re forty-four. Did you want more kids?”
“I was on the fence. I went along with the plan because I love her and I wanted her to be happy. But once the doctor gave us the news…it felt like a killing blow. I’m not ashamed to say we went home and cried.”
They both made terrible decisions in life, but that doesn’t negate the empathy I feel. “I’m sorry.”
“I am, too. Now what, kiddo?”
Isn’t that the million-dollar question? “I don’t know.
“Can we keep talking and working this out?”
Eventually. Right now… “I need to be alone for a while.”
“And Nate?”
“That goes for him, too.”
Dad frowns. “How do you feel about him?”
“This morning I would have told you I was in love with him. Now I feel bulldozed and numb.”
“You need rest. You’re welcome to come stay with Julia and me. We—”
“No.” The last thing I need now is to be with the two people who fueled Nathan’s need for vengeance. “Thank you, but I think some solitude would be best.”