Total pages in book: 169
Estimated words: 156210 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 781(@200wpm)___ 625(@250wpm)___ 521(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 156210 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 781(@200wpm)___ 625(@250wpm)___ 521(@300wpm)
Kyran reaches out for me, and while I’m on the verge of pulling away, when he curls his hands around my forearms, all I feel is relief. I’m no longer afraid.
“Luke, what do you mean? Why would it be gone?”
I try to speak but fall apart instead. The tears I was holding back spill down my cheeks, and I feel raw as if Kyran had taken a grater to my feelings and used it until no skin is left.
“I… I’ve been really hurt before,” I utter, sobbing like a crybaby when I should have long left all this shit behind me. “I was in… in a bad place.” This is useless. But when he pulls me close, when his long hair hides me from the world, and his scent⸺salt, wax, and leather⸺fills my lungs, all I want is to hand myself into his care.
“What happened?” Kyran asks, and all of a sudden the wall behind me turns soft like a mattress, the world’s gravity flips again with a gentle push from Kyran, and we’re lying on a bed.
I lean into him, all my walls crumble, and I can’t stop sobbing. He strokes my shoulder as I regain enough composure to speak. Where do I even start with this bullshit when my whole body balks against me spilling my secrets?
I guess the answer is that I need to take off my armor. Starting with the actual breastplates, since they clank against each other like two cans. Physical barriers are so much easier to crumble than the emotional ones, yet it still feels like opening a wound when Kyran helps me with the buckles.
I only speak when both our breastplates clatter softly to the shadowy floor.
“When… I was a kid, twelve or something, I started being, I dunno, my mom said ‘rebellious’, but I think she was just sick of me, and she sent me to this strict boarding school. I hated it with every fiber of my being. I hated having to do as I was told, I hated being alone, I hated the monotony of every day being the same, and I hated that they made befriending people impossible. Rewards and punishments depended on following the rules and snitching on anyone who didn’t. I soon learned I couldn’t trust anyone, including the teachers.”
Kyran’s chest is my safe space, and as I press my ear to it, listening to the strong rhythm of his elven heart, even the pain of the past is a bit more bearable.
“That sounds like a nightmare,” Kyran whispers, stroking my back in soothing circles. “I’m so sorry.”
I hug him, wishing I could melt into him. “I tried to keep my head down, do what I was forced to, just to get through it. But then puberty hit me, I met this boy, and I dared opening up. I didn’t snitch on him, I wanted to be around him, I wanted to be friends. And even though we didn’t have much education in these things, I was starting to understand I only liked boys. That was beyond unacceptable at this school. I thought I was smart by then, that I knew all the best hiding spots. But we still ended up busted. It was very innocent, we were just making out.
“They interrogated us about each other for fucking hours like it was some torture prison. I denied everything at first, but then the teacher got violent and I knew it wouldn’t stop until I told him what he wanted to hear. I couldn’t bear for them to hurt my friend, so I took all the blame. When they finally let me go with a promise of weeks of extra duties, all I could think of was finding him, to make sure he was okay.
“Turned out he was very much fine. Because he blamed the whole fucking thing on me, called me names, and didn’t want to speak to me again. I was so heartbroken, so defeated, so betrayed. I just wanted to disappear, needed to be free of that place. I stole pills, bartered for a razor, and… that’s when you found me.”
Kyran whimpers and cradles my face. “Luke… My sweet boy. He never deserved you. I’m so sorry,” he rasps, blinking as if his eyes are itching.
“I thought you were only a dream, but I took that new chance on life, and decided not to trust anyone again. How could I when everyone was out to get each other in that godforsaken place? Every day I’d hear how my mother gave up on me, how I deserved the shit I got. I was done trying to make friends. Instead, I decided to become the biggest fucking menace that school ever saw. I ran away several times, I took the punishments, the detentions, the shitty food, just to get that glimpse of freedom, and the feeling that I could do something of my choosing.”