Total pages in book: 137
Estimated words: 131271 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 656(@200wpm)___ 525(@250wpm)___ 438(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 131271 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 656(@200wpm)___ 525(@250wpm)___ 438(@300wpm)
“Night, Riley,” I whisper. “And thanks.”
“No problem.”
I wait until her breathing has returned to the even cadence of sleep, and then I reach for her hand, wrapping it in mine. We sleep like that until the next time she wakes me.
EPISODE 264
ICING THE CAKE - THE HOCKEY CHANNEL WITH A SWEET BITE
[Video opens with the anonymous host standing in her kitchen, holding a hockey stick in one hand and a rolling pin in the other.]
Anonymous Host:
“Hey, cake fam and puck brains! Welcome back to Icing the Cake. Today, we’re tackling a topic that’s as awkward as a puck bunny convention at a feminist rally. That’s right—we’re talking about hockey players and their sticks. Both the ones they use to score goals... and the ones they think score them points off the ice.”
[She waggles the hockey stick for emphasis.]
Anonymous Host:
“Now, if you’ve followed hockey news for any amount of time, you know there’s no shortage of scandals. Today’s inspiration? A lovely tale of a player who thought it’d be a great idea to send unsolicited… let’s call them statistical measurements to a woman who, shockingly, wasn’t impressed. She reported him, as she should, and now he’s the laughingstock of both the locker room and the internet.”
[She sets the hockey stick aside and grabs a bowl of flour, sighing heavily.]
Anonymous Host:
“So here’s the thing, fellas. Let me break this down for you: women don’t find your stick—either stick—as impressive as you think. It’s not the hardware that makes you attractive. It’s the person wielding it. The brain, the charm, the personality, the skill—that’s what matters. A stick, by itself, is just… a stick. Kinda like a lamp without a bulb. Or a hockey game without a goalie. Functional? Sure. Exciting? Not really.”
[She starts cracking eggs into the bowl, speaking with mock exasperation.]
Anonymous Host:
“I don’t know who started this trend, but let’s get one thing straight: no one asked for these pics. Literally no one. Your junk is not a masterpiece. No one’s framing it and hanging it in the Louvre. If anything, it’s more like abstract art. You’ve gotta squint to figure out what’s going on, and even then, you’re pretty sure you don’t like the look of it.”
[She stirs the batter aggressively as if venting frustration.]
Anonymous Host:
“But you know what? This whole scandal got me thinking about the perfect cake for today’s lesson. Something sweet, something bold, and something that sends a clear message. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re making… a ‘Censored Cake.’”
[Cut to her pouring batter into a pan shaped like a big oval.]
Anonymous Host:
“Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. A cake shaped like… well, a stick. But here’s the twist—we’re going to ice it with giant red bars, like a classy little NSFW warning.”
[The video skips ahead to her carefully decorating the cake with black fondant letters reading “KEEP IT CLASSY.” The censored red fondant bars are hilariously oversized, covering most of the cake.]
Anonymous Host:
“Because here’s the truth: confidence is sexy. Respect is sexy. But a blurry picture of the weirdest looking part of your anatomy? That’s just cringe. If you really want to impress someone, maybe skip the unsolicited pics and try sending a well-thought-out compliment. Or, I don’t know, a meme that doesn’t involve you holding a fish in your Tinder profile.”
[She slices into the cake revealing a rich red velvet inside.]
Anonymous Host:
“And to my fellow hockey fans, let’s hold these guys accountable. It’s 2025. If they’re gonna skate around thinking their sticks are the star of the show, we need to remind them that it’s the whole player—mind, respect, skills, and all—that makes a real winner.”
[She holds up a slice of cake dramatically.]
Anonymous Host:
“So there you have it. A sweet reminder to keep your stick on the ice, and your unsolicited pics off the internet. Until next time, keep it sweet, keep it respectful, and remember: the only thing worth icing is cake, not your reputation.”
[The video ends with her putting the finished cake on display, “KEEP IT CLASSY” front and center, as her logo for Icing the Cake fades in.]
Comments:
@GoalieGoals89
“‘Your junk is not a masterpiece.’ Officially my new life motto. Also, can I order a ‘Censored Cake’? Asking for a friend. ”
@HockeyMom78
“As a mom to three teenage boys who think they’re hockey stars, this is going on repeat. Thank you for the life lesson… and the cake inspo!”
@StickSkeptic42
“ This is exactly the level of shade and humor I needed today. Love this channel so much.”
@EasternUFanDrama
“Wait, is this about that Eastern player?? I KNEW IT. The internet never forgets, bro.”
@PenaltyBoxPrincess
“The Louvre line… I’m dying over here! Also, can we talk about how perfect that red velvet slice looks??”
@BenchwarmerBabe23
“The way she said ‘confidence is sexy, respect is sexy’ is next-level boss energy. I’m taking notes.”
@BluelineBeauty
“As someone who has received way too many ‘abstract art’ pics from hockey dudes, this episode speaks to my soul. Thank you for being the hero we didn’t know we needed.”