Total pages in book: 36
Estimated words: 32140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 161(@200wpm)___ 129(@250wpm)___ 107(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 32140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 161(@200wpm)___ 129(@250wpm)___ 107(@300wpm)
“Four and a half months?” She doesn’t look like she believes me.
“How is that possible? I mean you…” I know what she is trying to say so instead I stand up and show her. Taking off my sweatshirt, I turn to the side and relax my core and my entire body exhales. I hear her gasp, but my own eyes are on my belly. Besides, I know what she is seeing. “Holy… I mean… Wow. How have you hid that?” she blurts out and then her hand covers her mouth. I giggle because I get it.
“I know right? I think at first I was in such denial. I knew for months, I think before having it confirmed by a doctor, but I was able to pretend and force myself to come up with another explanation for the missed periods, and the emotional moments and because I have so much other stuff happening, that I just kept overlooking it. I figured my body followed suit.”
“So what changed? I mean what made you pay attention?” Her voice gets lower and sort of weird when she asks that.
“I could only call the vomiting ‘flu-like symptoms’ for so long before I had to find out the truth. Finally, I went to the doctor, and she made me take a pregnancy test. It took less than two minutes for it to come back positive. By then I was three months along.” Almost as if I am alone, I rub my belly.
“I-I um…what about the father?” My body tenses when she asks that question. It occurs to me this question, this very one is the reason I have hidden this so fiercely. I don’t want to have to answer this. Instead of addressing it, I frantically begin grabbing my coat and such needing to get away from the impending judgement. “Mari, wait. Did I say something?” She grabs my arms and gives it a gentle tug keeping me from running out. My brain is going in circles trying to figure out how to answer it without answering it.
“I haven’t told him, and I don't plan on it. I need to get away. Find somewhere to go where he can’t find me.” I need to be able to give this baby a better life and giving it up for adoption is the only way even though it is going to kill me. I ask for forgiveness every night from my baby for not being around when it is growing up. I try explaining my reasons, but it never feels sufficient.
“Does he hurt you, Mari? Is that what the bruises are from?” my head jerks up at first, my instinct to defend Royce because he would never but then it hits me, she is talking about James. Oh my gosh. Everyone still thinks we are together. That never dawned on me. But now…now this might be my saving grace. Better they think it is his and pity me then to know the truth, that I had a one-night stand with someone out of my league and have them thinking I am a gold digger. So instead of denying it, I nod my head thanking God the tears help shield my shame from lying. “Mari, why? Why haven’t you told anyone?”
“I grew up seeing it, listening to the cries and pleas and hearing the shattering glass and the impact of fists and flesh. It seemed normal, until the day I found out I was pregnant. I realized on that day two things; I can’t keep this baby, and I will not stay in this cycle my mom created. So, I contacted an adoption agency, and I have been saving money to disappear. Not just from him but from my home life too.”
“Do you need somewhere safe to stay, Mari? I can help you find a place. I mean you can come home with me if you want?” Her words are sincere and sweet.
“No, I will figure it out.”
“Okay listen, I don’t want to push you. Why don’t we do this? Next month boyfriend and I are going to a winter feast, sort of a thing put together by one of his friend’s mother who is a chef. How about you come with us? Hang out, have some fun and we talk some more about this. Okay?” I appreciate her giving me time to get comfortable with sharing information about my life. By next month I should be in a better headspace. Hopefully.
“Well, I don’t know…” As usual my first gut response is to decline and retreat into myself but here Mila is trying to be supportive, and a friend and I don't want to shove her face in it. “Alright. I will give you my address.” We exchange information since mine has changed. In some strange way I feel hopeful like I have been granted a hail Mary of sorts. I am not sure why I feel this way yet, but I will take it. It has been a while since I felt anything resembling happiness. Four and a half months to be exact.