Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 56217 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56217 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
“And now you get another one,” he said as he turned me and lay me back on his desk. We each had another turn, which made him ten minutes late for his call.
After that, there was a slight shift in our relationship, such as it was. The emotional aspect didn’t change, at least for him. But the awkwardness was gone. We could come together, two bodies seeking pleasure. Which wasn’t to say things were perfect. I could still see his struggle to reconcile his feelings for his dead wife. But when we focused only on the physical nature of our relationship, we were in sync.
For the next five weeks, we fell into a routine that involved work and sex. Sometimes, I wondered what I was doing, especially during Blake’s more tender moments toward me. At least once a week, we did something to honor my mother or his wife. He asked me to go with him and Lily to the children’s festival at the French embassy. That had been difficult for me because seeing him in daddy mode and spending time with the two of them made my heart fill with such a yearning to be a part of their family. That, of course, led me to chastise myself and try to rein in my feelings because they’d only lead me to pain when he finally had enough of me.
There were also times when he was touching me that it felt like more than just physical pleasure. In those moment I thought maybe we weren’t having sex, but we were making love. In those moments, I had to remind myself what I’d agreed to because while he could be sweet and tender, he gave no indication that he cared about me or that he was inclined to change his mind about us.
In fact, he still occasionally expressed guilt about enjoying life without his wife. The last time was when Lily was invited to a mother-daughter tea by another family in the building. Patsy couldn’t go, so I offered to take her. His “no” was immediate and he warned me that I wasn’t Lily’s mother and shouldn’t get those notions in my head.
Shocked, I backed off. Later he apologized and indicated it was just part of his guilt and grief about his wife and worry that Lily would forget about her mother. I accepted his apology and made a note to not offer any help with Lily. Sure, if he asked, I’d consider it, but I wouldn’t suggest it.
The other clear sign that I’d never be more to him was the fact that most of our sexual encounters took place at the office or my place. Never at his place, even when Lily was away over a weekend with her grandparents. In fact, he’d only ever spent the night with me once. When he woke the next morning, he was kind, but I could see it bothered him. He left right after he got dressed. He didn’t even stop to have a cup of coffee. He never said why he needed to leave so quickly, but I suspected that also had to do with his wife.
It had me rethinking the whole situation because even if he decided he could love again, I felt certain Joanna would always be there. While I’d never expected him to forget his wife, I also thought she’d remain such a big part of him it would be like having a third person in the relationship. Just like now. I had to accept that as his mistress, but I’d never be able to deal with having her between us if the relationship grew.
I was thinking about this on the day I stayed home with a small bout of the flu. Being away from the office for a day, gave me time to think. Being alone while sick also made me wonder that maybe if I was with someone else, he would be here to take care of me. Certainly, I could take care of myself, but I was never as lonely as when I was ill. Memories of my mother taking care of me would always come and make me sad. It would also remind me that I had no one special in my life. Not a mother. Not a boyfriend. Not even close friends.
By the end of the day, I was feeling better and decided I needed to make a change in my life. I wasn’t ready to let Blake go, but I knew I needed to meet new people and do things. I needed to live, but not through Blake taking me places. I needed to live for me. Finding out what I enjoyed in life.
On Tuesday morning, I felt nauseous again, but I didn’t have a temperature and after a shower I felt well enough to go to work. When I overheard Dana talking about going out after work with some of the other secretaries I asked her if I could join them.