Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
It’s sadness.
He loves me, but I’m unwell. He loves Reagan, but she is vulnerable around me because I can’t be trusted. If Katy knew any of this, she would take her daughter and never let Colten see her again. That’s what a good mom would do. And Katy is a good mom. She’s everything I will never be, including the mother of Colten Mosley’s child.
I turn away from the window and slide my socked feet along the hardwood floor toward the stairs.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Reagan’s mitten-covered fists drum against the glass. “Watch me on my tummy!” She’s not ready to come inside, and he’s not ready to let me be out of his sight.
He knows it wouldn’t take me long to end my life. And he knows it wouldn’t take me long to end hers. Not that I would. I wouldn’t. Winston can scream in my head. He can rob me of every ounce of sleep from now until my last breath, but he won’t convince me to hurt Reagan. I’m not him.
I’m not him. I’m not him. I’m not him …
Reagan goes down the hill on her tummy and giggles when her face lands in a pile of snow. “Did you see me, Josie?”
I nod. Fabricate a smile. And wave both hands. That’s what someone who isn’t out of their fucking mind does, right?
Right? Who the hell am I asking? Is this it? Is this the prelude to the end? Nothing but a series of conversations with myself? Battle of the internal monologue?
I’m not going to die tonight, but I’m tired, so I go upstairs before anyone can knock on the window again and demand my attention. Managing a quick swipe of the toothbrush along my teeth first, I collapse onto the bed in my panties and one of Colten’s hoodies. Sleep takes me within seconds while I hug my burned hand to my chest.
I don’t know how long it takes, but when it happens, it’s sheer panic and nausea. “NOOOOO!” I gasp, but I can’t breathe. The pressure on my neck is unbearable. Panic ensues under the noose of my airway being crushed. This is it. This is how I die. It’s like I’m drowning all over again, but I’m not. Someone is strangling me. When I peel open my eyes, my heart explodes. It’s him.
Colten’s strangling me. This is how he’s protecting his daughter. I know it’s for the best. I deserve this. It’s what I’ve been preparing myself for since the day I should have died in the water. I don’t hate him.
No … I love him. I love him for loving me so completely. I love him for doing the right thing even when I didn’t understand it. But this time … I understand it. I’m trying so hard not to fight him, but my hands flail, hitting him.
Just let it happen …
Fighting the instinct to survive is hard, and it feels so out of my control. I grab his arms, trying to pry them off my neck. I can’t. He’s stronger.
Stay strong. Finish the job. Focus on my eyes. I’m ready.
I cough. He’s not gripping me hard enough. I shouldn’t be able to get any air.
Again, I cough.
The hoodie slides over my head.
“Josie. Josie. Josie … I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you … Breathe. Just breathe. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”
The pressure on my neck disappears, and air fills my lungs. The pounding of my heart overtakes all other sensations while he pulls me against his bare chest and kisses me over and over on my head, my cheeks, my lips.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so very sorry.”
My good hand touches my neck. “Why did you stop? I was ready.”
He pulls back, confusion lining his forehead. “Stop what?”
“Strangling me.”
“What? No … no, Josie. I wasn’t strangling you. You were having a nightmare. You woke up gasping and flailing, clawing at your neck like you couldn’t breathe.”
I sit up, tearing myself from his arms while swinging my legs over the side of the bed. Head bowed. Sweat along my brow. Confused.
“What is happening to me?” I whisper.
Colten crawls out of bed and disappears downstairs. A minute or so later, he returns with a glass of water. “I would never hurt you.”
My gaze lifts to his while I take the glass of water. “What are we doing?” I ask, barely above a whisper.
“We’re living.” He sits next to me on the bed, taking my injured hand onto his lap and tracing the lines of the bandage. “And it’s really fucking hard for you right now. If I could take this burden from you, I would. I feel like you’re still drowning, and every day I’m trying to save you. Josie, I have to save you.”
“Colten, I …” Emotion clogs my throat. “I made Reagan’s scarf too tight. I …”