Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
I glance at our hands before lifting my gaze to hers filled with tears. “I can’t undo your life,” she says. “I can’t undo my choice to bring you into this world. And I can’t unlove you. Neither can Colten, your dad, your brother, your friends. We can’t imagine this life without you. And maybe it’s selfish on our part if you are miserable every day and every night…” she wipes several tears that spring free “…but you can’t ask us to let you die.” With her next blink, all the tears escape.
I’m not a mother. I never will be a mother. So I can’t really understand how she’s feeling. But I remember how I felt when I lost Colten. I remember that feeling led to self-harm, compelled to cut myself by the debilitating pain.
And he wasn’t really gone.
He wasn’t gone, yet I thought about him every day for seventeen years. What if that day he broke up with me was the day he died? What if one of the times he felt his world crumbling around him, he would have decided to end his life, like his father did years later?
What would have happened to me? Would I have grieved him and moved on, knowing he wasn’t in the world? Would the absence of hope have been the closure I needed? Or would I have spiraled out of control and taken my own life? Romeo and Juliet.
“Reagan loves books. I’m going to get her books. Maybe a Kindle. Maybe a fun reading light or a cute book bag to take to the library. Katy dropped her off, a few weeks ago, with some new library books in a plastic grocery bag.” I nod ahead. “Let’s stop by the bookstore on the way home. I know a good one.”
Mom wipes the rest of her tears and sniffles. Then she nods.
Books.
All I can give her is books.
She seems content with that.
After we get a slew of gifts for Reagan at the bookstore, she drives me to Colten’s. His car is in the driveway. My parents are staying at my house, and his mom is staying with him. Everyone is here for me … and Christmas, but mostly me.
Suicide watch is a full-time job.
“Want me to take Reagan’s gifts to your house and wrap them so she doesn’t see them?”
“She’s at Katy’s, but yeah, that would be great. Thanks.” I open the door.
“I love you, Josephine.”
I glance back at her before climbing completely out of the car. “I love you too, Mom. That will never change.”
She nods slowly, but I see sadness resurrecting in her eyes. I see the pain and worry over the promise I can’t make. “Night.”
“Night.” I close the door, but she doesn’t pull out until I’m at Colten’s door and he’s in her line of sight.
Nobody trusts me.
“Good day?” he asks.
“Sure.” I hug him.
His arms wrap around my waist. Lately, he’s been hugging me a little tighter, a little longer, and I let him because I need it too. The world is a livable place when I’m in his arms. I can breathe a little easier, and hope doesn’t feel like a dream out of reach.
When he does release me, he takes my coat and hangs it in the entry closet.
“Where’s your mom?” I ask.
“In her bedroom. She had a slight headache, so she went to bed shortly after I got home.”
I follow him to the kitchen.
“Hungry?”
I shrug. “We had a late lunch, so I’m not starving.”
Colten opens a drawer by the fridge. “I’ll give you half if you show me your tits.” He tears open a Twix.
I don’t look at the candy bar; I look at him and smile. “I saw you. Sometimes when I glanced at your window, I saw you looking at me. But you jumped behind the curtain. You always made me feel interesting in a good way. You always made me feel special. Sometimes I wondered … if we wouldn’t have been neighbors, would you have given me a second look? The time of day?” I reach for his proffered candy bar. “Half of your Twix?”
He takes a bite of his candy bar and scoots a chair close to mine so, when he sits, my knees are between his. “Probably not because you intimidated the hell out of me.”
I roll my eyes.
He shrugs, taking another bite of his Twix. “True story.”
“Why?”
“Because you were so smart and confident. And pretty … god you were so pretty. And your dad wouldn’t have been the neighbor who took me under his wing. He simply would have been the police chief, and you would have been the police chief’s daughter aka off-limits.”
I break off a piece of the Twix, stretching the caramel until it breaks then popping it into my mouth.
“When I was in the shower this morning, I thought back to the times when my dad would let me jump off his fishing boat into the lake. I’d go under and hold my breath until I just couldn’t go another second. Until my cheeks hurt from holding the air in them, until my lungs burned. Once, my dad jumped in after me because he thought something had happened to me.” I chuckle. “He was so mad. I just liked seeing how long I could hold my breath. Then I thought about Winston Jeffries, and I remembered something.”