Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Colten grabs my purse and my shoes. “We’re out of here.”
This time, I don’t fight him. My gaze locks with Athelinda’s while he pulls me to the door.
She presses her palms together again and bows. “May you find your way in this life … or another life.”
When we get into the rental car, Colten doesn’t start it. He grips the steering wheel and stares straight ahead. “Thanksgiving is next week. Christmas is the following month. Then we’re getting married. I need…” He clears his throat.
I ease my head to the side. His eyes are red, jaw set.
“I need you to be there. I…” he pinches the bridge of his nose “…I need you to be in my life.”
If I died, he’d grieve. My family would mourn my death. Then everyone would slowly move on. That’s how it works in life. There’s a process that follows death. Maybe not everyone follows the process in a particular order or at the same pace, but there’s a process.
This is worse. It’s limbo. This level of uncertainty is torture.
As long as I’m alive with Winston Jeffries in my head, it’s going to feel impossible for Colten to … live. He’ll always wonder if I’m okay. He’ll not sleep well ever again. He’ll never fully concentrate at work. He’ll live in this limbo and pretend that everything’s okay because I’m alive and in his life.
I don’t want to be in his life like this. However, I don’t know that I’m ready to leave. Instead, I have to trust that I’ll know. When the time comes, I’ll just … know.
My hand slides across the console to his leg. “I’m here. I’ll make turkey. I’ll find the perfect tree. I’ll meet you at the altar.”
That’s it. That’s as far as I can go, but he doesn’t need to know that. The relief on his face means too much. It means everything right now.
“I fucking love you. You know that, right?” He takes my hand and kisses it over and over before pressing it to his cheek, closing his eyes for a brief second.
“I know,” I whisper. “I … know.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Chad didn’t mean to start the neighbor’s house on fire, but he did.
“Is Dad taking us to watch the fireworks?” he asked Mom the morning of July fourth. Our first Fourth of July since our parents separated.
I didn’t care if he came home to take us to watch fireworks. I didn’t care if he ever came home.
“Sorry, hon. He has other plans.” Mom offered us a sad smile while she served us patriotic pancakes. Blueberries, strawberries, and bananas.
“What other plans?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, call him,” Chad insisted.
“It’s none of my business, hon.”
“You’re not divorced. Call him.” Chad was relentless. He was either fixated on his games and oblivious to the rest of the world or fixated on something else and relentless to the person whom he thought was responsible for granting his new wish. There was absolutely no in-between with him.
“Josie’s dad said you could do better.” I wasn’t sure if anyone wanted my two cents, but I gave it anyway.
Mom stood up straight, set the spatula on the counter like it was a bomb ready to explode. Taking a deep breath, she turned toward the table and wiped her hands on a towel. “He is your father. And you need a father. Despite what Isaac said, I’m not looking for a replacement. I’m not looking to do better. I’m simply trying to raise two boys, take care of a house on my own, and keep myself from crying all day long. Maybe … maybe your father doesn’t deserve me. Maybe I can do better. But I still love him. Even if I’m angry with him. Even if some days I feel like I hate him for what he did to our family … I still love him. Falling in love is the biggest risk your heart will ever take. You can’t fall in love if your heart is not available, and the only way to make it available is by allowing it to be vulnerable. I hope you never have your hearts broken, but not taking the risk would be far more tragic.”
Only in hindsight did I realize what an epic speech my mom gave to two clueless boys. Only in hindsight did I realize how honest and vulnerable she allowed her heart to be just to give us a peek into the world of relationships and heartbreak.
Sadly, neither Chad nor I had the emotional maturity to gain a single ounce of wisdom from that speech.
“If you’re not going to call Dad, then I’m going to do it.” Good old Chad. Dog with a bone.
“You will eat your breakfast. Brush your teeth. And help me with the dishes I need to make to take over to the Watts’s house later.”