Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87921 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“Let me take you home,” I say.
“Why don’t you take your boyfriend home? Unlike him, I don’t need my daddy,” Zane replies, then turns and walks away.
“Sorry, Mr. Gibbs,” his friend Paul says, “we’ll make sure he gets home okay,” before, like Zane, he turns and walks away from me too.
I should have told him. Why the fuck didn’t I tell him? “Fuck!” I yell in the middle of the dance floor, and Derek flinches. “Let’s go,” I say and then make my way through the crowd of people, without waiting to see if he follows. “What the fuck are you looking at?” I say to someone as I walk by. He doesn’t reply, and I don’t stop, not until I’m shoving my way out the door and onto the busy sidewalk.
“Jackson…I’m sorry. He’s just surprised. I’m sure when you talk to him, he’ll understand.”
I whip around on him. “He had no idea I’m bi and he just caught me rubbing up on someone who is closer to his age than mine, while said man called me Daddy. He will not understand that.” I’ve been acting like a bigger child than Zane. Having my hands down Derek’s pants in public? Lying to my son about who I’m with? Skirting my responsibilities with my mom?
Derek turns his head and looks away. My hand moves involuntarily, the urge to reach for him, pull him close, and tell him I didn’t mean to take it out on him hits me but I hold myself back.
People are still watching us. I have no doubt that news travels fast, but fighting with Derek out here won’t help. “Come on. Let’s go back to Metropolis.” We can figure this out there. Then, I’ll go and do my best to make Zane understand.
“What are you going to do?” Derek asks as we walk.
“I don’t know,” I reply, and then, “He’s my son,” because that has to be the most important thing. My mind is swirling. I can’t imagine what Zane is thinking after seeing me there and hearing Derek and me. But I also want to know about him. He’s eighteen and in a gay bar in Midtown. “Christ, he’s not even old enough to be in there.”
“You have to admit he looks old enough…wow…I didn’t realize he would look so much like you,” Derek replies. “Come on. Don’t pretend you didn’t have a fake ID at his age. I still have mine somewhere.”
I know he’s trying to lighten the mood, to do what he does best and make people smile or forget but it doesn’t work. “No, I didn’t. I was too concerned with having a baby on the way when I was his age.” And of course he still has his. It was only six years ago that he needed one.
“Shit. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” I tell him. “This isn’t your fault. I don’t mean to take it out on you; it’s just…he is the most important person in my life. I’ve never seen him look at me that way, Derek. It wasn’t just that I was a stranger to him…it was that I’d also hurt him. I’ve worked my whole life not to ever let down my son.”
“I know you have, but…he was there too, remember that.” A pebble slides across the concrete when he takes a step.
“It’s not about being bi, but it is about the fact that I never told him. It’s about the fact that he asked me to spend time with him tonight, and I told him I couldn’t. It’s about my mom missing me because I don’t come around as often. I’m not…I’m not being me.”
“I didn’t ask you to do any of that.” He cuts me off. “I didn’t ask for any more than you could give. If you would have said you wanted to hang out with Zane tonight, I would have understood.”
“I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying…he was using a fake ID to get into a club and being childish because he’s a child. What’s my excuse for the way I’ve been acting?”
I see Derek visibly tense up at that. “And how have you been acting?”
“Did you miss everything I just said? And the fact that I had my hand down your goddamned pants in the middle of a busy club? Christ. I’m almost forty years old. I should have known better than to act like that. I should have known better than to—”
“Get with me?” he says, before stopping. We’re at the corner next to Metropolis.
“That’s not what I said.” But I don’t know if it’s what I meant. “Jesus, my thoughts are all fucked up right now. I should go. I need to talk to Zane but—”
“What? You just wanted to make sure I got home okay? Had to take care of Derek because Derek doesn’t know how to take care of himself? Fuck you, Jackson. I just want to call you Daddy because it’s hot and I like older men. Not because I need you to take care of me.”