Total pages in book: 127
Estimated words: 121460 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 607(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121460 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 607(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
A chill blasted over my body as Brodan practically threw himself off.
I blinked at the abrupt distance between us and sat up on my elbows to find Brodan panting and staring at me as if he’d never seen me before.
Dread filled me, and I sat up, drawing my knees tight to my chest.
Brodan took in the move, and something like pain shot through his expression before he reached out to draw one of my hands to his mouth. He kissed my knuckles and squeezed his eyes closed. “Nothing changes,” he said hoarsely. “Promise me, nothing changes.” When he opened his eyes, he was no longer hiding his pain or his fear. “I can’t lose you, Roe.”
I didn’t understand.
He clearly felt about me how I felt about him, or the last blissful minutes wouldn’t have happened.
Whatever he saw in my eyes made him clasp my hand between both of his and plead, “Please.”
“You enjoyed it. I know you did,” I whispered feebly.
“Roe.” He hung his head, still gripping onto me.
When he said nothing else, I tugged on my hand, wanting to run as fast and far from him as possible. Because clearly his enjoyment wasn’t about me. He’d just reacted like a typical horny teenage boy. Fuck!
Brodan’s head whipped up as he held tight to me. “No. Don’t. Look …” He took a breath before he confessed, “If I wanted something serious with a girl, it would be with you, Monroe.”
My heart soared—
“But I will never want that with anyone.”
What?
“It’s not in me to want that. I won’t become my dad. He lost Mum and just stopped living, Roe. He barely exists. I won’t become like him because I’m stupid enough to get serious with someone. I decided a long time ago that my life would be a series of casual fucks.” He leaned toward me, his eyes light with emotion. “You will never be a casual fuck. So we’re friends. You’re my best friend. And I cannot lose you just because I think you’re gorgeous.”
For the last five years, I’d wanted nothing more than to hear Brodan Adair tell me he thought I was pretty.
Now part of me wished he never had.
But as he begged, “Don’t leave me because of this. Please. I can’t lose you, Roe, so please just pretend with me. Pretend like this never happened. It should never have happened,” he ended in a pained, rough whisper.
And because I could see the genuine turmoil and fear in his expression, I put Brodan’s feelings above mine and murmured, “It never happened. I promise.”
However, as I let myself into the house I hated coming home to after Brodan walked me back into town, I couldn’t help that little bloom of hope that sprung to life inside me.
Brodan had said if he could be serious with anyone, it would be me.
So … I just had to play the waiting game.
I just had to wait for the day that Brodan Adair grew out of his trauma, out of his fears.
I could be patient for the one I loved. Especially after experiencing a tiny moment of what it would be like between us.
When he was ready, I’d be the one he chose.
7
Brodan
PRESENT DAY
* * *
It was a copout. Asking Walker to make all my decisions for me. It was a bloody copout, and I knew it.
I wasn’t particularly proud that I was so fucked in the head I couldn’t see clearly enough to make decisions about my own life. However, I couldn’t deny that as much as it wasn’t admirable that I’d handed the reins over to Walk … the results were worth any wounds to my pride.
It had been a long time since I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
The water of the North Sea was a brooding gray blue today, almost indistinguishable from the livid sky above. It should be raining on a day this sullen. But not a drop fell from the sky as I sat at my desk. I’d moved the piece of furniture to the bay window in my suite on the estate, so I had a view while I wrote.
This morning I’d braced myself against the blustery October winds to take Eredine’s morning mindfulness and yoga class. Walker ordered me to take the classes three times a week. I thought he was doing it to mess with me, but the sessions with Ery helped. Where the gym was a place I poured out my frustrations and worries, and also where I had to be to maintain the physique Hollywood found so desirable, Ery’s classes were different. Yoga stretched me, and so did the mindfulness meditation. My mind had been like a muscle knotted from tension and stress, and the meditation allowed me to stop overthinking everything in my past, present, and future and just think about the moment, to be fully aware of existing in the moment. To my shock, it helped me feel less overwhelmed.