Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m just…overwhelmed. And I’m not handling things very well.”
“I understand.” She paused. “Why don’t I take Paisley home with me tonight?”
I didn’t have it in me to argue. “Fine.”
“This is really for the best,” she said five minutes later, buckling Paisley into her car seat. “You need sleep, and babies really need their mommies when they’re sick.”
“Right,” I said. My throat was tight.
“And we’ll see you on Monday at your office.”
“Right.”
“And then I’ll take her back to Battle Creek with me while you…figure things out. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I went down to the parking garage with her to switch the base of the car seat from my SUV to her car. Paisley was asleep by then, and I could hardly look at her as Rachel buckled her in.
“Get some sleep,” she said as she got behind the wheel. “We’ll see you Monday.”
I nodded, watched her drive away, and felt the weight of failure settle heavily on my shoulders.
I’d failed my daughter. I’d failed the only woman I’d ever loved. I’d failed myself.
But as I fell into bed a few minutes later, I told myself that they were both better off without me.
They were safe.
Nineteen
Emme
After leaving Nate’s the first time, I’d gone home, put on my pajamas and cried buckets into my pillow. I kept asking myself how over and over again.
How could he have done this to me? How could I have trusted him? How could he have fooled me so completely? How could I have been so dumb? How could he have said those things to me and not meant them? How could I have fallen in love with someone so duplicitous? Did I not have a single good instinct?
And why had he done this—what was the point? Had he only wanted my help with the baby all along? Had he only wanted to fuck me for a couple weeks? Had he honestly felt nothing for me all this time?
I didn’t want to believe that. But what choice did I have?
Eventually, I’d given up on sleep and gone down to the couch. I was channel surfing, attempting in vain to find something to take my mind off my broken heart, when I’d heard Nate talking in the hall. Unable to help myself, I’d gone to the door and pressed my ear to it.
When I heard him say something about the emergency room, I’d opened the door without even thinking about it.
Everything after that, I’d done for Paisley. Not for Nate.
I was so angry with him. He’d done exactly what he’d said he wouldn’t do—bullshit me. He’d pretended like he was better than all those other guys. He’d been good at it. He’d had me convinced I meant something to him.
He’d had me convinced we belonged together, and to each other. After everything he’d said to me, he turned out to be like everyone else. It hurt.
Maybe it had only been two weeks since we’d been dating, but we’d been friends for three years. He knew my insecurities, and it felt like he’d used them against me.
There was no excuse—not that he’d tried very hard to give me one.
I felt like such a fool.
After leaving his apartment the second time, I went home and collapsed into bed a second time. But I still couldn’t sleep. I was worried about Paisley, heartbroken about Nate, and angry with myself. I’d tried so hard to do things right this time! I’d been patient and understanding. Yes, it had been hard to keep my feelings in check, but it’s not like I could help that. Feelings weren’t something I could control. And it wasn’t as if I’d thrown myself at him and declared my undying love. I’d taken my cues from him and moved at his pace. It was Nate who’d come to me asking for a chance, Nate texting me to come over after work every night, Nate who’d said to me, I don’t deserve you.
Well, I didn’t deserve what he’d done to me—but it was hard not to feel like it was partly my fault.
After getting only a couple fitful hours of sleep, I didn’t feel like getting ready and going out for brunch the next morning. I texted my sisters that I wasn’t up for it, and they wanted to know what was wrong. I didn’t feel like going into the whole thing via text, so I called Stella.
“Hey, what’s going on?” she asked.
“Nate and I broke up last night.” I lay back on my pillow and pulled up the blankets. Fresh tears threatened.
She gasped. “Oh, no! Why?”
“He said he felt crowded and wanted space. He said he didn’t mean any of the things he’d said to me the night before.”
“What? That makes no sense.”
“I know, but it’s what happened and I’m upset, with myself and with him. I hardly slept last night.”
“Why don’t Maren and I come over with breakfast?”