Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 90503 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 453(@200wpm)___ 362(@250wpm)___ 302(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90503 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 453(@200wpm)___ 362(@250wpm)___ 302(@300wpm)
After changing into more comfortable clothing, I lit some candles, put my phone on Do Not Disturb, chose the sound of ocean waves on my Meditation Playlist, and sat on the rug. I was briefly consumed by the memory of kneeling over Dallas’s face yesterday in this very same spot, but I accepted the thought and its accompanying feelings of desire without judging them. Then I closed my eyes and focused on my breath and body awareness.
Sixty minutes later, I felt relaxed, refreshed and rebalanced. I didn’t need to panic. I didn’t need to confront anyone. Everything happened for a reason, and if there was something Dallas wanted me to know, he would tell me in his own time. Loving someone meant opening your heart to them; it didn’t mean forcing them to fill it at the soonest opportunity. Love needed room to breathe, room to grow. I didn’t have to behave like either one of my sisters would in this situation. I only had to be me, and trust my instincts.
I checked my messages, and found that I had a text from Dallas.
Dallas: Dinner at 7 is fine. I will be at your house by 6:30.
I was a little disappointed he wasn’t coming over earlier, since six thirty wouldn’t give us any time together before dinner, but I decided not to ask him. We had the entire night ahead of us, and I didn’t want to appear needy.
Me: Great! See you then.
I added a little kissy-face emoji and hit send. Next, I messaged my sisters that dinner was on, and we went back and forth about where to go before deciding on Republic Tavern. I called the restaurant and made a reservation.
After that, I texted Dallas back that since dinner would be downtown, there was no sense in his driving to my house to get me, which was just north of the city. Instead, I told him I’d grab an Uber down to his hotel around five or so, and maybe we could have a drink at the bar if he was feeling up to it.
He didn’t answer right away, so I got in the shower. When I was out, I checked my phone and saw his reply.
Dallas: Sorry. I was on the phone with Finn. Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up?
Me: Positive. I’ll be there in about an hour. Maybe less.
Dallas: Good. I missed you today.
Relieved, I smiled and texted back.
Me: I missed you too. Can’t wait to see you!
I blow-dried my hair and got dressed, choosing a white maxi dress with a deep V-neck and lace panels in its flowing skirt. I applied a little makeup, rubbed some lavender oil into my skin, and pulled on the strappy sandals I’d worn to the prom the other night. When I was ready, I ordered a car and went out on the porch to wait. The rain had stopped, and the sun was finally peeking out from behind the clouds. The temperature was warm, and the light breeze carried on it the scent of mint from my neighbor’s herb garden. I turned my face to the sun and inhaled deeply.
It was going to be a beautiful night.
Thirteen
Dallas
After leaving Maren’s house Sunday morning, I drove back to my hotel and crashed for five straight hours. I was exhausted. My head hurt. My eyes burned because I’d slept in my contacts. My gut was twisted into knots I knew I couldn’t unravel. Barricaded in my room, shades drawn, Do Not Disturb sign on the door, phone off, I pulled the covers over my head and shut out the world.
Except, of course, the world wasn’t the problem. I was the problem. More specifically, what I’d done was the problem. Looking back, I could see the series of missteps I’d taken, and all of them indicated how weak and reckless and stupid I was.
I’d gone to see Maren and dug up the past when I should have left it buried.
I’d insisted she go on a date with me, swearing not to touch her and knowing full well I wouldn’t be able to resist.
I’d slept with her, telling myself it was only for one night.
I’d stayed in Detroit just to be with her when I should have gone to Boston.
I’d told her how I felt and promised her a second chance.
I’d hid the truth from her and then flat out lied when she asked me about the surgeon appointment.
I’d let both of us fall in deep, knowing we would both get hurt.
And now what? Was I supposed to go have dinner with her and her family, spend the evening making polite conversation and pretending nothing was wrong? Spend the night in her bed again, holding her and kissing her and fucking her and making promises and plans I knew I wasn’t going to keep?