Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75699 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75699 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“Except, apparently, some of them are queer. And the Murphys are cool with that now, but that doesn’t change how I spent years wondering if I’d arrived from another planet. I never fit in. I felt different from the start. I didn’t want to be a firefighter, didn’t like talking trucks and football. Being queer was one more big difference from the rest of the Murphy men.”
“I’m sorry, Declan. So sorry.” Dad sounded way too close to crying, and I had to look up at the ceiling, start counting tiles, because if I saw tears in his eyes, it would be over for me too. “You do fit in. You’ve always fit in. And there’s room in the family for all sorts of people.”
“I get that. Now.” I gave a harsh laugh because if someone had handed me a time machine right then, I would have grabbed it with both hands. “But as a kid? It was hard to believe. And then I found motocross, this place where I might belong. Racing felt right in a way nothing else had.” Well, nothing up until Jonas, but we weren’t to that part of my confession yet. “But the more I raced, I was even more certain I couldn’t come out, couldn’t be fully myself there either.”
“Times—”
“Are changing. I know. Every few months, another major sports player or coach comes out.” I didn’t want to admit how often I’d scrolled various out sports sites, looking for a roadmap and not seeing it despite the strides forward. Like Tony had said, comment sections were the devil. “I’ve watched Rowan the past few months. And you. And Tony and Caleb. I wish I could have grown up like Rowan, where being out isn’t a huge drama.”
“I wish that for you too.” Dad reached across to touch the back of my hand. His eyes were as sincere as I’d ever seen them. “And while I wouldn’t say it’s always been easy for Rowan, I get what you’re saying. Coming out is big and scary, and I worried about doing it, too, but it’s also freeing. I promise you the other side is worth it.”
“I’m starting to believe that.” I exhaled hard before taking another sip of beer, letting it coat my parched throat. “And maybe easy isn’t what I meant. I want to be his kind of confident. To wake up on a random Wednesday and decide it’s an eyeliner and glitter top day and to be able to say fuck anyone who disagrees.” Dad laughed, and I joined in before sobering. “But that’s not me. I hate being the center of attention. I always have. And coming out in my sport? Every eyeball would be on me, and I want to say fuck it and not care, but I’m not there yet.”
“I’m glad you told me though. So, so glad. And proud of you.” Dad nodded so earnestly that I feared he might jostle some vital organ loose. “You don’t have to come out on anyone’s timeline but your own. I’m sorry if I didn’t provide a safe enough space for you to do it sooner, but I’m glad you did.”
I wasn’t sure how to reply to that. The sounds of the half-full restaurant swirled around us with clinking glasses and murmurs from other conversations. I wasn’t quite far enough into my fuck it era to go give Dad a hug, but I nodded. “Thank you.”
“And when—if—you’re ready to come out to others, I’ll proudly stand beside you. You do belong, Declan, and there are so many of us who have your back. Starting with the Murphys, but also Denver, Eric, the kids, Tony, Caleb, Jonas—”
“I’m in love with him.” Might as well get everything out now. It felt like some gasket had been removed in my soul, and now the truth, all the truth, could spill feely out. “That’s the other thing you need to know. I’m in love with Jonas.”
“Oh boy.” Dad whistled in through his teeth. “You’re hell on my cardiac health.”
“Sorry.”
“Is that why you decided to come out? You have a crush—”
“It’s not a crush, and no. I needed to do this for me. Living half a life was slowly killing me, and I see that now.” Being alone on a strange mattress in Arizona had made that clear. I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth and miserable. I’d felt both invisible and exposed the whole visit, and that was no way to live. I met Dad’s gaze. “Pushing it down and pushing it down only meant I was that much closer to exploding.”
“Been there,” he said thickly, eyes suspiciously watery.
“Please don’t cry.”
“I’m just so sorry you were hurting and no one knew.”
“Because I didn’t want them to.” I opened my hands, encompassing all the years I could have spoken up and hadn’t. “But falling for Jonas…” I scrunched up my face, trying to find the right words. “It’s been…healing? Not that I was broken or missing something, but having him in my life makes me see the world differently. And it makes me want to share. I found this good thing, this amazing thing, and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’m too chicken to come out? Fuck that. I’m not coming out for him, but this thing is too big to keep inside, to keep a secret.”