Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 106107 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 531(@200wpm)___ 424(@250wpm)___ 354(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106107 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 531(@200wpm)___ 424(@250wpm)___ 354(@300wpm)
I never harmed…
But I remember now.
I remember being a child and killing a snake with a sword, chopping it up into pieces while it was alive, not because I was curious but because I was so angry that my father had died so young, and I wanted to take it out on something. The rage that came over me, it was like I was possessed by the Devil itself, back when I thought I was young and innocent. I sliced and sliced and sliced until I became someone else entirely, and I lived with that guilt every waking day because how could I, a child, do such a horrible thing?
I remember the seething jealousy I had over my neighbor, the way his wife looked at me in the way that my own wife never did, enough so that I stole her away one night for a mutual tryst. When she became pregnant not long after, she came to me, and I had to pretend I had no idea what she was talking about, had to pretend that I’d never talked to her a day in her life.
I remember sabotaging the blacksmith in the neighboring town, putting a spell on him that caused him to lose all feeling in his hands so that I could take over his clients. I did so, reaping the benefits, and I never gave him his feeling back.
I remember feeling the white-hot rage seeping through when my children disobeyed me and reminded me they were another mouth to feed.
I never wanted to kill them, I whisper inside.
You didn’t, the beast says. But your dark side did. The one that lives deep within, the one you never wanted to face because if you did, you’d be looking at your own face. You’d be looking at me.
I shake my head. No.
Yes, it hisses. And the sooner you make peace with it, the better off you will be. There is a difference between having these thoughts and desires and acting on them. The more you push them away, the stronger the pull is. The harder you try to be good, the more I’ll try and rein you in. We are victims to our broken souls and unnourished hearts. We want so much, we covet, and we deny it. We live our lives pretending to be better than that, but we aren’t. The rage that made me lives in every single being, monster and human alike. And every now and then, if you’re too afraid to face what you truly are, it will be unleashed.
But there are good people, I say. There are good people in the world. I’ve seen them. Selfless people who will do anything for another.
There are people who are better than you, morally, spiritually so. There are people who are braver than you, too. But even the best people harbor the darkest secrets sometimes. Every face you look at is fighting a battle they aren’t always aware of. And most of them are losing.
Silence.
I feel leveled out by what the beast has just told me.
I never wanted…I…
But now, everything feels like a lie.
I am a bad person, I can’t help but think. I always was.
We’re all bad, the monster says. But we’re all good, too. Perhaps the best approach is a bit of balance.
I swallow hard.
Are you okay in there? Abe asks, his voice jarring against the raspy whispers of the beast. At least this means he can’t hear our conversation. I would hate for him to know how awful I truly was before I turned.
He knows, the beast says. Abe knows. I’m the one who has been talking to him when you weren’t available. He’s a true friend, you know. Sees all the ugliness inside you and still stays by your side, because he’s no better either. He’s just made peace with his darkness, the same way you’ll need to make peace with yours if you want us to coexist. It pauses. If you want me to agree to your bargain.
The bargain.
What was I going to offer him?
What did I want in exchange?
You wanted to make friends, the beast says. You wanted to use me when you could and stay in control. Right now, you’re thinking, deep down, that you want to spread your wings and fly to that ship and take down every single person on it, punish them for their sins, punish them for what they did to Larimar.
But I don’t want to punish Larimar.
Then I stop.
Or do I?
Ah, the beast says. There is the progress. You do want to punish her.
I swallow hard and nod. I do. I want to punish her for breaking her promise to me and for leaving me, even though I understand why she did, even though it’s not fair for me to feel this way.
But feelings aren’t fair. And that is something that comes with being human too. However, now that you know you want to punish her, are you afraid that you’re going to?