Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 87367 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 437(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87367 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 437(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Mom sighed. “I know your dad and I aren’t typical parents. I always look back on our past and wonder if I did something wrong. Should we have changed your last name? Looked into your history when you were young? There are so many questions. And I know you and your dad struggle to connect outside of business stuff. I’m sure that wasn’t easy on you either, but we all did the best we could. You’re our son no matter what.”
“I know that. I do. And you’re my mom no matter what too.” God, relationships were complicated. It didn’t matter what kind of relationship it was. It was all part of being alive, of being human. “I just… I found out some things, and I don’t know if that’s where I belong. But being here, back in San Francisco, doesn’t feel right either. Nothing does, and I’m questioning myself in ways I never have. I don’t even know who in the hell I am.” I groaned. “I don’t know if any of this makes sense. If my thoughts or feelings make sense. I just feel…”
“Lost?”
“Yeah, I do. And I think I always have.” My eyes darted toward the table. I’d always felt like that, hadn’t I? Untethered, like nothing was connecting me to earth. Sure, Mom did in some ways, and Isaac did in others, but without them, it was like I could float away, with no real direction, and no one would notice. And maybe I wouldn’t even notice because I’d always felt lost anyway.
Then I surprised myself by adding, “I fell in love.” And as much as those words hurt, it felt good to say them to her.
“That explains a lot. It’s different looking through our own eyes once we fall in love with someone. Makes the world a little brighter, but it makes our insecurities brighter too because it means we have something to lose, something that really matters.”
That was exactly it. That was how I felt. “It’s…complicated. His dad hates me.”
“Well, you’re not planning on dating him, are you?” she teased, and I smiled.
“I don’t want to get between Brody and his family.”
“It doesn’t sound like you are. You would never do something like that. If Brody’s father allows it to cause problems in their relationship, that’s his fault, not yours.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that it would hurt Brody.”
“Losing you probably hurts Brody too.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’ll get over it.”
“Why? Because losing you is insignificant? Oh, Cohen. You really think that, don’t you? You try to come off so confident, but you don’t feel it.”
I fiddled with the tablecloth, unable to answer. Hating that my reply would be yes.
“Sweetheart, I know you have a lot to work through, between losing your mom and your dad not being around, foster care and adoption, and then finding out your biological dad knew about you. I’m sure your father and I played a part in all that too. We didn’t always make the right decisions, but you are not insignificant. You don’t have to be afraid people are going to walk away from you. You don’t have to run before they get the chance. Love doesn’t always go away.”
She was right. Logically, I knew that. Hell, I knew if Brody felt similar to how I did, I’d tell him he was being ridiculous, but it was a lot easier to say words like that than it was to believe them.
“I don’t think I deserve him.” That was the difference between Brody and me. He always thought of other people. He put his family first. He’d never hurt anyone. I’d been selfish quite a bit in my life.
“You do. I can promise you that. Don’t live your life with regrets. If there’s one thing I want you to have learned from me, it’s to fight for what you want. And if you don’t think you deserve something, work your ass off to make sure you do. This boy, do you think he loves you too?”
I thought about the look on Brody’s face when he found out I was leaving. The sound of his voice. The way he laughed when we were together, and the way I caught him looking at me when he didn’t know I was watching. “I think he could.”
“And he’s worth it? Fighting for?”
“Hell yeah,” I answered automatically. Brody was worth everything.
“Then all you have to do is see that you’re worth it too. I can tell you that until I’m blue in the face, but no one can make you see it but you.”
As I sat there letting her words seep in, the truth dug itself deeper into me, becoming a part of everything that made me, me. I wanted to see what she told me about myself. I wanted to feel worthy. I wanted to do the right thing.