Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 79036 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 395(@200wpm)___ 316(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79036 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 395(@200wpm)___ 316(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
“You’re fucking dirty.” I grin as I pull my pants up and fasten them. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world, but I’ll live.
Dusty gets dressed too, and then we decide to have lunch here, at the bigger fall. We find a place to sit and pull out of the bag with the sandwiches we made. My story about Rhett earlier keeps tugging at my thoughts, which leads me straight to thinking about East and Ella. “She never got the chance to come here,” I say, surprising even myself. “Rhett or I never brought her…Dad certainly didn’t. Her nine years on this planet weren’t enough.”
Shadows dance across Dusty’s blue eyes as he moves closer. I don’t ever talk about Ella. Even when I was younger, I rarely spoke about her. After all these years, the wound is still too raw, the guilt too heavy a burden.
“No, baby. It wasn’t.” He puts his arm around me.
“She would have liked it here, though,” I say, trying to put a positive spin on the conversation. Being around Dusty makes me want to do that, to find ways not to live in my pain.
“Oh yeah. She and East would have chased each other around—well, she would have run from him, and he would have followed her. God, he loved her. She loved him too, of course, but I think he saw himself like her little protector.”
I chuckle, despite the guilt piling on more. Ella was Easton’s world, and I’m the reason we lost her, why he lost her. He did see himself as her protector, but he was just a baby too. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine.
“I didn’t count,” slips past my lips for the first time in my life. The truth is there, laid out bare for Dusty to see.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I didn’t count. They wanted to play hide-and-seek, and I was angry I had to watch them, that I had to play with them. That Dad got to be at work, and Rhett got to be at a school function. They had a life, and I didn’t, and instead of dealing with my responsibilities, I took my anger out on East and Ella. I sat on my bed while they waited in their hiding spots for their big brother to come find them, and I never came. Ella died waiting for me while I resented her and East for being alive.”
A cry breaks from my throat. Fear clings to me for a moment before I realize that my eyes are blurry because they are filled with tears, running down my face like the falls in the distance and soaking my shirt.
“What? No, baby. That’s not your fault. You had the right to be angry at situations in your life. It was a terrible, horrible accident, but it wasn’t your fault. Even if you had been looking for them, Ella still could have had that accident.”
“But I wasn’t!” I snap. “I wasn’t,” I say, softer, not wanting to take my anger out on him. “I let them down…let both of them down. East should hate me.”
“No. He shouldn’t.” Dusty grabs my face, turns my head so I’m looking at him. “You were a seventeen-year-old who carried the responsibility of an adult since you were an eight-year-old child. Ella had an accident. She drowned, and that was no one’s fault. Jesus. I can’t believe you’ve been holding this in for so long.”
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. I cry into Dusty’s shoulder, cling to him, silently tell East I’m sorry, tell Ella I’m sorry, and while I don’t have it in me to forgive myself yet, letting it out, sharing it with Dusty does ease some of the burden.
He holds me until my tears dry up, until I can form words again. We’re quiet as we finish our meal, then follow the trail that’s much more hidden and filled with brush to the other smaller falls.
My pain digs itself deep inside me again, hiding in the dark corners, until I can almost pretend it’s not there.
I smile when I take in the beauty around me. Yes, Ella would have loved it here. I love this part of the UP, and every time Dusty and I will come back to visit, I vow we’ll continue exploring all these places together.
*
I get bored while Dusty is at work. Sometimes I go with him, mess around the shop, give him and East shit. I’ll still pop online and do some work here, or take my laptop to the shop and do it there.
I’ve done things like our grocery shopping or running errands for Dusty while he’s at work, but without being at my dad’s daily, there’s not a whole lot for me to do.
I’m at Dusty’s now. I stayed in bed this morning when he left. Then I had lunch with his mom, and now I’m back here, fucking around, when my cell rings. I can’t help but smile when I see Spencer’s name light up. I miss my friend in ways I didn’t realize I would before leaving Santa Monica. Being here has allowed me to open up and learn to let myself miss someone.