 by T.O. Smith.jpg)
Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 97195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
I never truly get better.
I just learn how to go through the motions and hope for the best.
When I’m having a panic attack in the middle of the library, a guy with dark hair, even darker eyes, and tattoos comes to my rescue, walking me through the steps to ground myself.
Now, he wants to breathe life into me.
I’ll give him a chance, but I’m pretty sure my darkness is going to run him away.
And when his brother comes home from the military with his own demons… Well, I can’t expect either of them to help me.
Trigger warnings: mental health disorders such as – but not limited to – depression and anxiety, mfm menage (two men sharing one woman), mental health medication, overdosing, miscarriage, self-hate, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, sexual assault, abuse
*************FULL BOOK START HERE*************
1
SPIRALING
Ally
I frowned as I stared down at the textbook in front of me. I hadn't been getting much sleep lately, and it was making it hard to concentrate on my schoolwork.
I had kind of placed my life around school. It kept me grounded, gave me something to focus on. But times like these, when my anxiety started acting up and my depression took a plunge, it was hard for me to do the things that kept me sane.
I shoved my textbook away from me and frowned down at the table, my chest feeling tight. Today was my dad's birthday, and he hadn't spoken to me in three years now.
After I had spiraled to the point that I was hospitalized in a mental health facility, my parents had turned their backs on me. I ruined their perfect little image that they tried so hard to keep up. So, I was shunned, just as my brother was.
All because we didn’t fit into their perfect little lifestyle.
My phone began to vibrate on the table, jerking me out of my head. I picked it up when I saw my older brother's name on the screen.
"Axel," I whispered when I answered. I swallowed thickly. "Why is it still so hard?" I asked, my voice shaking.
"You were Dad's little girl, Ally," my brother said softly, understanding in his tone. My chest squeezed. He knew me so well. I didn’t even have to elaborate. He instantly knew today would be a hard day for me. "He turned his back on you. It's normal for it to hurt, for it to bother you."
"I didn't ask to be this fucked up," I croaked, my voice breaking. Why did I have to be made out to be the bad guy? If I could be normal, I would.
Axel growled softly. "Ally, don't," he warned me. "Don't do this to yourself. You're not fucked up. You have bipolar depression; you went through hell and back to control that and overcome postpartum psychosis,” he reminded me. I rubbed at my chest, that ache never fading. It was just something I was living with. I’d been pregnant when I found my boyfriend cheating on me. I overdosed on my medication. And after finding out I’d lost my baby…well, I sort of lost myself, too. “I know it feels like your loss, but it's Mom and Dad's loss for not wanting to know the amazing, beautiful, young woman you've grown into."
Axel had never lost faith in me. Even when I lost faith in myself, was so lost in my hatred of the world that I self-destructed, he had always believed in me.
"Can I come stay with you guys for a few days?" I asked him. "I feel myself slipping, Axel, and I'm scared," I shakily admitted. "I don't know how to stop it."
"Sis, our home is always open to you," Axel reminded me. "I'll let Julian and Meghan know you're coming."
"Thank you, Axel–for never giving up on me," I told him, my voice soft and filled with gratitude.
"I love you, Ally. No matter how bad this shit gets for you, I'm always here for you if you'll let me," he promised. "Come on home."
A little over two years ago when I had been released from the center, I had moved in with my older brother. Since he and his best friend are both with the same woman, I moved in with all of them. Meghan, my brother's wife, had been my rock while I was in the center, and to this day, she was still always there for me when I needed her, even if it was at the drop of a hat.
I honestly didn't know if I would have made it to where I am today without her.
Which is quite hilarious considering I used to hate her guts. I hated her for taking my brother from me. I hated her for having everything I’d ever wanted–unconditional love, a family that gave a damn…
But when my eyes finally opened, I realized she was far from my enemy. Meghan taught me how to swim in treacherous waters.
I quickly packed my bag, but my phone vibrated again as I got ready to zip my bag up. Frowning, I picked it up off the table, my heart beginning to race in my chest when I saw my dad's name on my phone screen.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember how to breathe, trying to remember how to stop my anxiety attack. Why was he reaching out now after all this time?
I couldn't remember, and I was panicking.
I gasped for air, hot tears sliding down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe. Black spots were dancing in my vision, and my ears were beginning to ring, a sure sign that I was moments away from completely losing my grip and passing out. It happened more often than not.