Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 82163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
My head is spinning, my body feels numb, and when I walk into the house, Gabriella is waiting in the living room for me. “How did it go?” She looks over at me, seeing my face, and she sits up a little bit more.
“So much worse than I thought it would go.” I walk toward the stairs. “I need a shower. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.” She just smiles at me sadly
“I’m here if you need me,” she reminds me, knowing I need to be alone.
I don’t even bother switching on the lights as I step in my bathroom and turn on the shower. I place my hand in the stream of the water, turning it just right before I undress and step in. Only when the water is washing over my face do I let the sob that I was holding in escape me. My body shakes as I put a hand in the middle of my chest, right over my heart. The same heart that literally shattered in my chest. Listening to him tell me all the guilt he had, all I wanted to do was get up and go to him. All I wanted to do was tell him he was the best dad I’ve ever seen. All I wanted to do was take that pain away from him. All I wanted to do was go back to the beginning to when I found out. All I wanted to do was hold his face in my hands as I told him I was sorry, so fucking sorry. All I wanted was to take the pain away from him. To shoulder it, to fight with him and tell him that it’s not his fault—none of it was his fault—not before and not now.
I let the water wash away the tears, if I’m honest, the tears blend into the water. Getting out, my body feels like it’s run a marathon. I slip a shirt on and a pair of panties before getting into bed. Turning on my side and looking out the window, the shade is still open, showing me the soft twinkling of the stars.
I close my eyes and all I see is his face. All I hear are his words. “First heartbeat, first picture, first breath. first cry, first smile, first time she crawled. First time she took a step. First time she fell and got hurt, I wasn’t there for her. I missed it all. It was ripped away from me, and I vowed to myself that the next time it happened. The next time I had a child, it would be different. I was not going to miss anything.”
I can’t help the tears that still come, to know I made him feel this guilt again. Knowing I am the reason is just too much for me to bear. I have to make it up to him, I have to do what I can for him to never feel that way about our child.
I sleep on and off all night long, and when I wake up in the morning, I know what I have to do. Grabbing my phone while I make my breakfast, I send a text out.
I need a favor.
I have no idea if she will answer or if she is on call. I’ll give her an hour, and if she doesn’t answer me back, I’ll go to my plan B.
I pop a bagel in the toaster, getting the cream cheese, when my phone pings. I walk over and grab my phone, seeing it’s from her.
Emmy:
For you anything.
Can you squeeze me in today?
I don’t have a chance to even put the phone down before it is ringing in my hand and I see it’s her. “Hello, Dr. Emmy,” I greet softly.
“Abigail,” she says my name and I can hear that she’s walking. “What’s the matter?” she asks, her voice filled with worry.
“Nothing,” I tell her and take a deep breath. “Everything is good, it’s just.” I stop talking for a second not sure how to say what I need to say. “I’d like to have another ultrasound.”
“I can see you today at two.” She doesn’t even ask me another question. “Unless you want it now.”
“I think two will work,” I reply, looking at the clock and seeing it’s just after eight. “If anything doesn’t, I’ll text you back.”
“See you at two,” she states and hangs up the phone. I take a deep breath before I call the next number.
At this point, I don’t even know if he will answer me. My stomach hurls at the thought. He answers after four rings, “Hello.”
“Hi,” I say quickly and nervously, “it’s Abigail.” I swallow down the lump that is forming in my throat.
“Hi.” His voice goes soft, and I want to know if he had a good night. I want to know how he’s feeling. “Is everything okay?”