Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 118965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 118965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
I imagine the relief when it turns out negative. I’ll be able to relax with a glass of wine. I’ll get on with my messy life without having to drag an innocent baby into it. Angelo won’t force me to have children, not after he promised.
A part of me is scared for a different reason. I’m scared that I’ll be disappointed if the test is negative. It’s a bizarre notion, one I can’t explain.
Scraping together my courage, I do what needs to be done. My nerves are all over the place when I wash my hands and count the seconds in my head. I don’t even get to thirty before two blue lines appear in the window on the stick.
It’s impossible.
It can’t be.
Yet the proof is right in front of my eyes.
I’m pregnant.
I’m going to have Angelo’s baby.
Bracing my palms on the vanity, I support my weight on my arms. Sweat breaks out over my body. A rush of heat runs over my skin only to be doused by a wave of coldness. My head spins, leaving me dizzy.
A baby.
A tiny life growing inside me.
A sense of wonder washes over me. I place a trembling hand over my belly. A surge of protectiveness assaults me, and then follows joy. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s different to my feelings for my family and my husband. Words can’t define the love that bursts like a beautiful, fragile bubble inside me and fills every molecule of my being.
“Oh my God,” I whisper with a soft laugh, tears building in my eyes.
Happiness takes on a new meaning. I’m dumbstruck with awe, but I’m also frightened. Yet I don’t wish for a different outcome. Despite the many reasons why a baby in our world is a bad idea, I’m grateful the test is positive.
I have no one to share the news with other than the reflection in the mirror. The face of the woman smiling back at me is already radiant with the secret she carries. She’s different, this woman. Her love feels deeper. Bottomless. Her capacity for forgiveness is endless. This woman isn’t afraid or uncertain of her future. She no longer cares about unimportant details. This woman is confident and strong.
Like the magnificent love that crashed over me, forgiveness burns like a purifying fire inside, incinerating all the bitterness and the blame. An enormous weight lifts off my shoulders. For the first time in years, I feel free. The chains of my past that kept me a prisoner of my own unhappiness are broken. My heart is so light it feels as if it will float to the ceiling. And as that incredible sensation washes over me, I know what my decision will be.
I choose my husband.
Angelo.
Angelo.
My darkness and my light.
How will he react? I bite my lip as I imagine telling him. He’ll be content. It’s what he wanted. Then panic strikes when I remember his plan to take my baby away from me. It’s the one thing I won’t survive. I already love this little life more than my own. My soul will die if he denies me the right to my child. I don’t want someone else to hold my baby in her arms and rock her to sleep. I don’t want my husband to do it without me. I don’t want to be banished any longer, left here alone. I want to be with my family. I’ll fight tooth and nail if he tries to tear this child away from me.
Suddenly exhausted, I flop down on the closed lid of the toilet. How can my mood swing from joy to despair in the span of a few seconds? Tapping into my newfound strength, I take a few calming breaths. We’ll just have to work through our issues. Angelo doesn’t trust me, but he’ll have to give me the benefit of the doubt. We’ll both have to work at making our twisted relationship work. We owe it to our baby. We have to create a healthy environment in which to raise a child.
When Angelo told me he noticed me as a girl on the verge of becoming a woman on my sixteenth birthday, he admitted that the spark I felt wasn’t one-sided. He did feel something too. That’s the hope I cling to. He wants me physically. He’s always made sure I know that. However, there’s more to his feelings than lust. There’s also caring and protectiveness.
I want this to work. Angelo was right when he said it’s time to stop this war. It’s time to tell him that I love him. It’s time to forgive so that we can move on. A part of me always held back because of my dad. I didn’t want to betray him. I loved him too much to fall in love with the man who stood by while his father put a bullet in my dad’s head. I owed my dad everything. How could I repay him by giving my heart to the man who pushed the gun in his lifeless hand and staged his murder as suicide?