Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 120176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 601(@200wpm)___ 481(@250wpm)___ 401(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 120176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 601(@200wpm)___ 481(@250wpm)___ 401(@300wpm)
She wasn’t going to answer.
“Mom.”
She was still going. She hadn’t heard me.
Talking about all the features the surgeon could help me with, because she cared, because she was looking out for me, because a daughter represented her, but I couldn’t screw him. She chuckled, her voice dropping low, “I mean, if you wanted to, you could. Maybe you should? Get a sugar daddy. But no threesome business. I mean–”
“Mom–”
She ignored me. “You think he might pay for a threesome? Some mother-daughter action–”
I couldn’t. Not anymore.
I hung up, and like I did with all the new numbers she called me from, I blocked this new one.
Her old number was already blocked.
I went through all of my media and deleted every single one but goddamn. If she searched my name, it’d still pop up.
Wouldn’t it?
I couldn’t risk it.
Once I was done, I did a google search for my name and went through every hit that gave any identifying information about me. I searched, found where to have it taken down.
And right after I was done, two hours later, my stomach revolted.
I sprinted from the bed, getting to the toilet just in time to empty whatever had been inside.
I stopped puking after six times; the last four were only bile.
It was later, when I was curled up by the toilet with a blanket over me that I started going over the call with a clearer head and this was the first time I thought the doctors got it right, or one of them did. A new diagnosis was probably correct. She’d escalated.
She was harder.
I stayed in on Saturday. Sometimes I sought people out or parties, but it was different on Saturday. I couldn’t explain it. I just wanted silence. My own space.
Peace.
I turned my phone off all day, and I studied for that quiz.
Went out for groceries later in the morning, as soon as my stomach felt steadier.
That night, I studied more and ended the night with a movie. I was in bed when I glanced over, considered turning my phone on.
I left it and rolled over.
I turned it on for Sunday. Notification after notification began rolling through.
Miles wanted to go to the library.
Gavin wanted me to head over for another party.
A few girls from class, asking if the quiz was truth or rumor?
Zeke thanked me for calling Blaise to get him out of ‘the joint.’
Then a few last ones that made me pause.
From Tasmin, who lived across from me in the dorms.
Taz: Party at the hockey house. Want to come with us?
“Us” would be at least her and her boyfriend, Race.
Tasmin and I weren’t texters. We didn’t invite each other places. I frowned. Why would she start now?
Then there were a couple texts from my dad.
Dad: I was told that she called you. Are you okay?
Dad: Want to talk about it?
I skipped over his and pulled up the last one. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to my dad, but he was too close to her. I always felt like she took entire chunks of skin off my body, leaving me exposed. I needed time away from her, and that meant him too right now.
The last text was from Cruz.
Cruz: Getting back tonight. Want me to ‘get back’ tonight? ;)
That one made me smile.
Me: Your joke didn’t land. Sorry to break it to you.
Cruz: Too early for texting. Come crawl in bed with me. Going back to sleep unless you wake me up.
I wanted to go, so bad, and that terrified me because it wasn’t good to want to be around someone as much as I did right now.
But, it was hard to fight against that offer. I wanted it, really, really badly.
This.
This was why we shouldn’t have done the texting because it made me like him a little bit more. No. Not even that. It made me feel safe with him. A little bit safer.
That was dangerous to someone like me.
Never feel safe. When you did, that’s when the world would get pulled out from under you.
That’s when you would fall.
I could never get comfortable. I could never feel safe.
I surrounded myself with people I didn’t fully like… Or I kept them at bay, the ones that were already in.
I messed up, but fuck it, because if he texted right now, I’d respond. If he called, I’d answer.
I was staring at my phone, knowing what I wanted to do and what I probably would do, but this was a last-ditch effort to distract me from doing it.
I hit call.
She answered after the third ring, and her voice was drowsy which made sense. It was a little after nine and that was like five in the morning for college people.
“Mara?”
I called Tasmin.
“Why did you text me that last night?”
“What?” She yawned. “What time is it?”
“Early enough for church if you’re the God-fearing type.”