Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 97134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97134 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
HogDocKev: You remember how I was way into flight simulators a couple years back, right? This process is very straightforward and the machine does all the work. Promise! Ready for step one?
KevsCuz: Oh, thank fuck. Yeah, we’re beyond ready.
HogMasterHux: STOP RIGHT THERE. There’s literally no way you know how to fly a 640 ton cargo plane after playing Flight Simulator, Orc Humper. You’re gonna make them crash the plane. Go play and come back when the grownups are done, pal.
“What’s going on?” Riggs demanded. “What’s Hux saying?”
I relayed the conversation to him, and Riggs frowned. “Hux is right. Flight Simulator is not the same.”
“But Hux doesn’t have a better idea!”
My Horn buzzed again.
HogDocKev: *snort* 640 tons?!?! OMG, you think they’re in an Antonov 225? Pay attention, Tuber Tickler! Carter just said they’re in an An-2!!!! HAHHAHHAA.
HogDocKev: THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! You legit thought they were in the largest fucking cargo plane in the world? With a 6 person cockpit, capable of transporting SPACE SHUTTLES?
HogDocKev: Do you know that those things need a 3/4 mile runway to takeoff??? And you think some rando criminal uses that one for his stealthy criminal shit? But *I* am the one who’s gonna make them crash? Lolz. Thanks for playing.
I shook my head in frustration, really wishing there were a voice capability on the HOG device so I could scream my head off at them.
“What now?” Riggs asked.
When I read the convo out loud, he groaned and scrubbed a hand over his head.
KevsCuz: Guys! Hello? We’re in a plane here. You’re supposed to be helping us, remember?
HogMasterHux: I made a simple mistake, loser. Now close your pumpkin hole and let me look for the correct specs.
HogDocKev: They don’t need you to find them the specs, ‘cause I already have the specs. And THIS isn’t a simple mistake. A simple mistake is when a newbie player wandering far from his lands tryna hustle for a pip or two to feed his ice cow takes a SINGLE PIECE OF FRUIT from what appears to be an unclaimed tree to give him the health points he needs to survive the journey home!!!
HogMasterHux: Don’t you play innocent noob with me, HogDoc. That tree was clearly on MY LAND… I just hadn’t fenced it yet.
KevsCuz: Are you serious right now? OUR PLANE IS LOSING ALTITUDE!!
HogDocKev: If you don’t fence the tree, it’s not your tree! That’s the meta of the game. EVERYONE KNOWS this.
HogMasterHux: What I know is, you passed a thousand fucking apples to eat the lone greenberry I needed to make the potion required to ascend to mage status. EVERYONE KNOWS the greenberry only ripens once a season! That was DELIBERATE, and it was HURTFUL.
Holy shit. Were they kidding??
“Please tell me they’re not still fighting,” Riggs said.
“I could, but I’d be lying.”
KevsCuz: For fuck’s sake, could you two stop bickering and help us?!?!
HogDocKev: You wanna talk HURTFUL?!?!?! You got a bunch of your buddies together and INVADED MY HOMESTEAD!! You stole my spelled claymore AND you killed my bronze goose, when poor Jaunty never hurt anyone. It’s a wonder I survived the winter! Some mistakes are UNFORGIVABLE.
HogMasterHux: Jaunty was an unfortunate casualty of our war which YOU started. I wish things had gone differently. He was a good goose.
Good. God. Really? Really?
KevsCuz: Do you hear yourselves? If we don’t DIE in a fiery CRASH, I am telling Champ AND Grandfather about this!!
HogDocKev: HA! You’re only apologizing bc I’m the undisputed master of the game, and I’ve laid siege to the lands all around yours. Well, too fucking late.
HogMasterHux: Undisputed? Hahahahahahaasdjfajf. I dispute it. I DISPUTE IT. Come at me, Pyrite Warlock. See what happens!!!!
HogDocKev: Invasion is imminent, Hoax Master, and I will show you no mercy! JAUNTY WILL BE AVENGED.
And that was when I lost my fucking mind.
KevsCuz: SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL US HOW TO FLY THIS GODDAMN PLANE, OR I WILL ASK THE GAME DEVELOPER TO BAN YOU FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!
No messages appeared for maybe ten seconds, then…
HogMasterHux: Wow. Dr. Rogers, I know you’re a client and all, but there’s no call for that kind of rudeness.
HogDocKev: Truth. I hate Hux’s guts, but you don’t just wish a BAN on someone. That’s massively uncool.
I sucked in a breath.
KevsCuz: If we die in this plane, Kev, I will come back to haunt you and only appear when you’re having sex, I swear. If you ever want to get off again, TELL ME HOW TO FLY THIS.
KevsCuz: Okay, okay, yeesh. STEP ONE, check your speed. Look for the second instrument readout on the left if you’re sitting in the pilot’s seat.
“Uh. One forty,” Riggs replied tersely when I read this aloud. “Maybe a little more. Is that good?”
I relayed the question.
HogDocKev: Yeah, that’s fine. Now, your altimeter should be right in the middle of the board. It’s the display that looks like it has a picture of the horizon on it. You’re gonna wanna make sure the arrow at the top center of the outer circle is lined up with the arrow on the dial. You’ll see what I mean.