Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
“You’re not okay. I can see that you feel like you have an obligation to him. You love him, I get that, but this isn’t right.”
An uneasy breath leaves me as I watch every little move John makes. My lips part, but my voice is silent. I swallow thickly and refuse to let go of his hand when he starts to pull away.
“Can we go outside?” I ask him. I just need to feel like I can breathe.
He simply nods and walks beside me, not letting go of my hand, but not attempting to get closer either.
“I felt like we were making progress,” I tell him and watch Toby as we get to the front door. It’s a large heavy door made of solid wood and stained a dark brown. Toby doesn’t have a problem in the least as John opens it. He almost closes the door right after him, but Toby slips out with us, staying close to my side and I’ve never wanted him more.
I reach down to pet him, feeling as though my breath is strangled. Sometimes progress isn’t enough. It’s not enough to keep John. It’s not enough to ease the burden on Jay’s conscience.
A chill sweeps across my skin and goosebumps spread along my arms as I shudder. The fresh air is what I needed though.
“There’s a porch,” I say with a bit of humor in my voice. I haven’t stepped foot outside. It reminds me of the world outside of here. Of the life I used to have. The one we could share together.
John leans against the banister and looks out into the empty field, not looking at me as he tells me, “Jay will be back soon, and I’m going to tell him I’m not coming back here. I’m done with this.”
The air gets colder and more tense as my eyes narrow and I watch him. “I thought we were doing better,” I tell him although it comes out a question.
He turns to look at me, but quickly looks back out into the field of nothing.
I have to tell him. I have to push. Toby whines as the thought hits me, and I reach down to pet him again. I’ve never been more scared in my adult life.
I slowly sit, although my legs are shaky and this close to Toby’s jaws reminds me of the vicious barking, the way he held me down that first night. I ignore it all. I have to give a piece to John. Something to keep him.
“John, I want to tell you a secret.”
“What’s that?” he asks and looks down at me, but I don’t look back up at him as I pet Toby and try to think of what to tell him. It’s been days and I don’t know what I can say that he’d believe.
“I knew you when you were a child.” My heart hurts as I confess. “This one time, you taught me how to whistle with a blade of grass.” The memory is so fresh. I can still feel the bit of sunshine. A reward I was terrified would come with a punishment. “Do you remember?” I ask him.
I take a peek up to look at him, and his expression tells me everything I already knew. He doesn’t remember a damn thing, and he won’t believe me. All the time we spent together, none of it exists for him.
I hold the tears back as Toby rests his head in my lap. His warmth is so at odds with the bitter coldness that surrounds me.
“Are you alright?” he asks me, and my heart sinks even further.
“You don’t remember me, but I’m not lying to you, John.” I steady my breath. “I’m not crazy,” I tell him and as the words slip out, I feel as though I am. I’m beyond sane at least.
“We never knew each other. The first time I saw you...” John starts, but doesn’t finish his sentence. I wait, holding my breath and hoping for something, but also fearing it.
Please remember me. Please, John. I need you.
“You ripped it right out of the ground,” I tell him, brushing beneath my nose with my forearm and not giving a damn about it. “And put it right to your lips.” A smile forces its way to my lips and a laugh bubbles up. “I thought you were eating it,” I tell him.
Silence greets me, and this time I don’t look up to gauge his reaction. I let my body sway with Toby.
“I’m not the only one who’s hurt, John. Neither is Jay.” I whisper the words and half expect him to ask how it relates to Jay. Part of me hopes he will, but he doesn’t.
Finally, he says, “I don’t remember any of that.”
“It’s okay,” I say and smile weakly. “I mean, I wish you did. I really wish you knew how much you meant to me.”