Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
I’ve jumped from one relationship to the next my whole life. There’s probably something there to be explored in therapy. But none of my relationships work out—they all fail. Is that because I don’t know myself well enough to succeed in a partnership? Is it because I jump in too fast—into the deep end—and don’t give it a chance to build naturally?
The thought terrifies me. It makes me nauseous.
What does that mean? What does it mean for Maddox and me? Is it a sign that this won’t work, that we’ll meet the same sad fate as the rest of my relationships? Is this the turning point for us like Maddox said?
“I guess … I guess you entertain it as long as it’s good and enjoy it until it stops working. Then you walk away before you hate each other.”
Is this all we get? Surely, it can’t be. Maybe you knew all along. Maybe you knew that you’d never get to keep him. To have this level of happiness forever.
I understand what he was saying now. I’d rather walk away from that now than hurt him down the road.
I look at his face—his beautiful, soulful eyes and the lips that can make me feel treasured by a simple kiss—and I can’t risk giving us a chance. I love Maddox Carmichael. I love him with all of my heart. And I truly believe, from the bottom of my soul, that he’s the one for me.
But maybe you can’t force those things. Maybe it’s like a pot of soup, and you have to let it simmer to develop the flavors. Maybe it’ll get better if it’s put in the fridge for a while. Put on ice.
My stomach tightens so hard that I think I might vomit.
“Ash?”
“I don’t know,” I say. My words are a whisper as if I can barely find the courage to utter them. “I went all-in too. From the plane. I was all-in with you.”
“Honesty?”
“Always.”
“I’m terrified that this is my one shot … No. I know you are my one shot. And I feel like I’ve shown up to take the most important test of my life—the test to see if I can take care of you and love you like you need it—and I didn’t prepare well enough. That I wasn’t … ready.”
He nibbles his bottom lip as he watches me for my reaction.
I fight the tears that well in my eyes. I try my hardest not to let him see them.
He groans and stands up, running his hands through his hair. “I’m fighting my instinct to break this off.” He looks at me. “That’s what I always do. I wait for this part, where it gets hard, and I walk. You were right. There are a million excuses why I do it, but it all boils down to this—before you, they weren’t you. They weren’t worth fighting for.”
The dam breaks, and the tears stream down my cheeks.
“And here I am, actually fighting for you.” He chuckles at the irony. “If I was presented with that situation a thousand times, I would do it the same way every time. I want you to know that.”
I watch him drift away, just like he promised me he wouldn’t. But I promised him I wouldn’t hold on to this just because it’s what we’re doing.
“What do we do, Ashley? Help me understand.”
I watch him look at me and see the reverence in his eyes. I feel the love radiating off him in a way I’ve never felt before. He’s a good man, Maddox Carmichael, and that’s why we must do the hard stuff. So someday, maybe we can get to the good stuff.
I get to my feet and swallow my pain. My agony. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. We were meant to fall into each other’s arms and find comfort.
However, like the confident person I don’t feel like I am, I wipe my face and lift my chin.
“Well, I have a terrible track record when it comes to this stuff. Hence, the reason you came on my trip and the reason we’re here,” I say.
He grins sadly. He knows what’s coming.
“It’s best if we take some time to think,” I say, begging my voice not to crack. Don’t betray me. “We might just be amped up from the vacation, and when the dust settles, we might feel differently.”
“Or we might feel the same way.” Or that.
“I just think we’ve both had a lot of big events that we probably need to reflect on. And come back to this conversation …” I cover my mouth to try to catch the hiccup of a sob before it comes out, and I don’t cry.
He wraps his arms around me and holds me so tight that I can’t breathe. But I don’t care because I’m not going to be able to breathe without him either.