Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
"I'm not saying you have to forgive him," she says, squeezing my hand in a silent show of support or sympathy or whatever this particular situation calls for. "But I've known you forever, January, and you never got over him. He broke your heart, and you're still hurting over it. At the very least, maybe talking to him will give you the closure you never got so you can move on. You deserve to be happy, but you never will be until you make peace with your past."
She's right, damn her. But she's wrong too because there is no getting over Cade, not for me. Not now. Maybe not ever. I accepted a long time ago that the biggest piece of my heart would always belong to him. He claimed my soul before I was even old enough to understand that the sweet boy who picked me up when I fell would turn into the man who made me fall the hardest. He turned into the man who broke me. And God help me, I'd let him do it again.
"I told him I hated him."
Mariah blinks at me.
"The day he left, I told him I hated him." Tears burn at the back of my eyes even though they don't fall. "I was so angry with everyone and everything. I told him I hated him and that I'd never forgive him. I told him that I never wanted to see him again."
I didn't mean it, but I was hurting, and I lashed out at him. Back then, it seemed like the logical thing to do, to make him hurt like I hurt. I thought he couldn't possibly understand how I felt, and I didn't want to feel it alone. I was drowning, and I just wanted it to stop. Instead, I pushed him out the door.
Mariah blames him because I was a coward, and I let her believe he just left me. Because that was easier than facing the truth. I made him walk away. The last seven years have been my punishment, but I'm still mad at him for it.
How selfish is that? I pushed him out the door…and I'm still mad at him for letting me do it.
"Oh, January," Mariah whispers, pulling me in for a tight hug. "You were going through the worst thing imaginable, and you said something you didn't mean. You're both still hurting over it. That much is obvious."
I cling to her for a minute, borrowing a little of her strength since I've never had very much of my own. Cade and Titan were always strong for me so I didn't have to be. Even after all these years, I still haven't found my own strength. It takes all I have to keep moving forward, to get up and go about each day without crashing to the ground.
I'm still in love with Cade, but I don't know how to fix what I broke. I don't even know if he wants to fix it. What if Mariah's wrong, and he's moved on?
What if she's right and he hasn't? a little voice counters.
"I'll talk to him," I sigh, too scared to hope but hopeful as hell anyway.
I spend all day waiting around the house for Cade to return to Ma Lucia's, ready to get this over quickly and painlessly. Every time a car passes by, my heart races. I find myself peeking out the window incessantly, but it's never him. I'm not even sure if he plans to return at all. For all I know, when he left last night, it was for good.
Refusing to dwell on the way that thought grinds in my chest, making my entire soul ache, I start cleaning. I make my way through each room, scrubbing down everything in my path. By the time dark falls, my hangover is a distant memory, and the house is spotless. I've also baked enough cookies to feed a small army…and I'm still obsessing.
There are so many things I want to say to Cade. So many questions I want to ask him. He left me and never looked back. Did that hurt him at all? It's hard to believe he hurt like I did because he stayed away. For seven fucking years. If he loved me like I loved him, how the hell did he survive?
Because I certainly haven't been surviving without him. I go to work, and I come home. Sometimes, Mariah drags me out with her. She makes me go to dinner or to get drinks, or to the movies. I go through the motions, but I'm in limbo…stuck in the past because it's not over for me. It's still haunting me. He's still haunting me.
I pour myself a cup of tea and head outside, tired of being cooped up. I curl up in a rocking chair on the front porch and listen to the crickets and frogs.